You love your friends more than anything. But sometimes—let’s face it—the choices they make can make you cringe. So should you to speak up? Or just let it go and love them as they are?
Depends on the situation, says Gina Barreca, Professor of English Literature and Feminist Theory at the University of Connecticut and author of IT’S NOT THAT I’M BITTER: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT VISIBLE PANTY LINES AND CONQUERED THE WORLD.
“In the end, you want to do anything but add shame,” Barreca says. “You really need to examine why you feel a need right now to say this. What is it in YOU? Is your friend not doing as well as she could or are you jealous because maybe her lousy style is helping her get exactly what she wants?”
So we gave Gina three scenarios and asked for her advice on whether a friend should step in or step back:
Should you tell your friend if... she’s wearing too much eye makeup?
"Too much eye makeup is open for grabs", Barreca claims. While we may have our own idealized versions of what we think looks good we can’t go out in the world looking like Betty Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane. And neither can our friends."
She suggests addressing the problem kindly, but firmly—no backwards compliments here to confuse the issue. ‘Fascinating Darling, but Sweetie this isn’t working for you. I love you more than pizza but…’” she suggests. “You are doing an intervention between someone and their sense of style.”
That means not only offering a critique, but also an alternative.
As the Redeemer, we have to take on the responsibility by first addressing the issue (This does not do you any good...) and then sit down with someone you trust and tell them what does look good.
Should you tell your friend if…their clothing is out of style?
Ask yourself, “'Why is this person dressing like this? What is the effect this person hopes to achieve?”' You need to be willing to get in there and make things right so you should only be willing to say this to someone you’d be willing to spend a weekend with to help transform her style. There must be a commitment to help.”
If someone does not get nuances, you need to come up with alternatives, she says. “Find her people to help her get to this; play dress up – what is the stuff that works/doesn’t work. As television has affirmed, every single garment in a woman’s closet has a story. You are an important part of helping someone change their story.”
So what if you accidentally hurt your friend’s feelings with your oh-so-thoughtful style critique?
“Take all of the responsibility. You were the one interested in making this happen so you are responsible,” Barreca says. “Worst version is channeling one of the central characters from Gone with the Wind – a controlling creature who is unaware what she does to others. The idea of you going in to make all these changes is great, but don’t forget the key is how the woman comes out in the end.”
And remember, she says, old habits die hard – so be patient with your friend.
Should you tell a friend…if she’s too heavy for her own good health?
“No!” Barreca exclaims adamantly. “There is no woman on this earth who does not know what she weighs. She knows much more than anyone. It’s not possible, even in the loveliest and kindest way, to say this. It’s not going to be news to her.
“To go up to a friend and say, ‘I’ve never seen you weigh this much!’ Or, ‘What is your BMI?’
I do not know any woman who is over 165 lbs who does not have a moment by moment awareness of her weight. Increasing sanctimony will only backfire.
“I do what I can to be healthy,” she adds, “but if I decide I want to enjoy cookies and do my two mile walks everyday it is my decision. And if anyone comes over to me to tell me my decision is unhealthy, trust me their well being is going to be less than satisfactory after our discussion!”
What do you think? Would you step in on the above situations? Should we ever step in or should we love our friends the way they are? We want to hear from you!
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