(Taking a break from my the usual "He said/she said" theme of my column, I've decided to have a little, satirical GalTime fun before Halloween. So with my tongue, firmly planted in my cheek, let's begin...)
The clock is inevitably counting down to that moment when undead monsters will roam our suburban streets. But I'm not talking about the neighborhood kiddies on Halloween night. The monsters I'm talking about prefer brains over candy. Zombies are everywhere in pop culture right now (before you know it they could be EVERYWHERE).
Jane Austen has been rewritten to include zombies, and just this summer, Mila Jovovich raked in some serious cash with the release of Resident Evil: Afterlife, the fourth film in the undead series. It just goes to show that girls certainly can kick ass. Zombie ass, that is. So how prepared will you be when the zombie apocalypse undoubtedly happens? I've put together a few important tips to help increase your chances of survival against the undead horde.
1. Ditch the heels!
If you wear uncomfortable shoes to the office they only get worse as the day progresses, then multiply the discomfort tenfold when faced with running through crowds of shambling, flesh devouring zombies. And absolutely avoid anything you would wear for a night out on the town – you’re a homebody now anyway. The only thing high heels are good for are driving a spike into your infected neighbor's brain. You need to forget the Manolo Blahniks and pick yourself up a pair of running shoes or steel-toe boots. No guys have the time to be checking you out, so this is a perfect time to strap-on those old New Balance sneakers you've been staring at on the floor of your closet, and do some very necessary cardio. When things get back to normal, you're gonna be rocking a slimmer figure and showing off all the fabulous shoes you looted from the Nordstrom Rack.
2. Guns are your new BFFs.
If women can learn anything from Sarah Palin advocating the hunting of arctic wolves from the comfort of a helicopter, it's that firearms aren't just for the fellas. You might be handy with a Swiffer around the house, or can swing a heavy briefcase ten ways to Sunday, but you're going to need to wield something with a little more 'oomph' if you plan on keeping undead intruders off your doorstep. They come in all shapes and sizes, and are a must-have accessory in the new frontier - especially if you want to claim ownership over the area Costco. Guns might seem intimidating at first, but with a little practice you and your gal pals will be blasting heads off zombies as fast as Carrie and the Sex & The City gals knock back cosmos.
3. Those aren't your kids anymore.
Make no mistake: life will not be pretty once "Z Day" happens. You're going to have to make some rather hard decisions, and in all likelihood, you'll need to make them fast. If you return to your suburban neighborhood to find your adorable 12-year-old state spelling bee champion gnawing the face off your next door neighbor, something has to be done - and we're not talking about grounding her and taking away cell phone privileges. You need to know that this is no longer a child, but a full-on evil monster. Many moms will make the mistake of giving their poor child a hug and getting bitten, only to find themselves turning into zombies as well. You need to mentally prepare yourself for these situations now. Your loved ones are gone, and it's just a waste of time locking the infected family members in the shed until a cure is found.
4. Don't trust men.
Some of your girlfriends might have already told you as much, but this advice goes double in Zombie Town. It's pretty much a running theme in every zombie movie, and for good reason - guys can be jerks. Expect to hear the "we need to repopulate the species" pick-up line quite a bit. Also, once the streets become undrivable roadblocks, crowded with debris and abandoned cars, so large guns will quickly become the default metaphor when a man is overcompensating for something. And that's just not going to be good for anyone. The wasteland is going to need some levelheaded women to make sure things run smoothly. If you can get the kids ready and out the door for school each morning, then surviving the zombie apocalypse is going to be pretty easy by comparison.
Nothing to worry about?
In all seriousness, women kick ass all the time in everyday life, and that won't be any different in whatever future scenario comes along. This, of course, is meant to be a little silly. The reality of Halloween night is that the most frightening things you'll likely experience are kids on sugar highs and that weird teen who's too old to be trick-or-treating showing up at your door after all the other kids have turned in for the night. But it's still not a bad idea to be mentally prepared, just in case, and to stock up on as much waterproof mascara as you can get your hands on, my wife tells me that it’ll be a scarce resource in post-apocalyptic America.
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