Yep kids, it’s that time of year when Outsidelands draws even the most Avenue-phobic locals to the depths of Golden Gate Park to sweat it out for 3 days in the middle of nowhere. Actually, it’s pretty central but for all the SOMA peeps who feel dizzy from altitude sickness by the time they hit Masonic, they still can’t believe this is the 2nd time this year they’ve overstepped their comfort zone (Bay 2 Breakers being #1 step-crasher) and it’s making them get anxiety attacks. Get over it!
But with this year’s lineup – I don’t even care if you think you need your passport to come 2 miles up the street to GG Park, do it! This year’s list is da bomb and my favorites are: Jack White, Foo Fighters, Norah Jones, Bloc Party, Franz Ferdinand, Dirty Dozen Brass Band, Mark Farina (holy grail, bow three times) and for some reason this year, Outsidelands feels San Fran isn’t funny enough so have a comedy line up! What the flump?? Neil Patrick Harris is the only comedian/actor I know in this category and since ‘line up is subject to change without notice,’ we may end up with Joan Rivers with a couple of cymbals between her knees and a huge didgeridoo hanging from her arm and no one will have a clue until she says ‘thank you for having me and goodnight San Francisco’ because the Park is so blooming big you have no idea who’s on stage unless they have the big screen up. BTW, Neil has a band? What??
I went to the 1st Outsidelands many years ago. It took 90 minutes to get from Castro to Golden Gate Park. I felt like we were heading to Narnia. Four times I asked what currency the Park takes. We lost 5 out of 6 friends, made friends with 3 more people who we vowed to be pen pals with (never happened), found the rest of the crew and ended up at Elixir bar in Mission 11pm just to reset ourselves from being out in the depths of society for a few hours. I’m a big walker but from that 1st Outsidelands, I actually felt like I’d been for a sponsored 10 mile hike, raising money for some orphanage in Romania. It was the longest night of my life, especially since Radiohead were playing and OMG, they drone on more than a 95 year old with no teeth.
I’m sorry if I offend any Radiohead super fans but c’mon – I’d rather someone force feed me oranges after I’ve just brushed my teeth. They have no verses, chorus (whatever it’s called), bridge etc to their music. How the heck do these guys ever rehearse? “Oh, you just played a wrong note!?” How would anyone know? For the full duration of them wailing, I internalized listening to Coldplay. I got through it barely but had to blast Viva La Vida at 10,000 decibels in my head.
“I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing, You saved my life from Thom Yorke’s bad singing.
Be my mirror, my sword and shield, Get me out of this Golden Gate field”
Ok, so that’s out my system – I didn’t go to a couple more Outsidelands but then hopped over again last year because my journalist pal, Tom, had a freebie for the Sunday. So we drank and ate VIP offerings, bumped into some pals and had a blast. It was a gorgeous hot day, alcohol, food, too much sun and…music was had by all.
The best part this year – I live 2 blocks from the Park. Yep, I’m the person who will be having the pre and post drinks party at my place. I’m the one who won’t have to schlep home on the happy bus after 3 other buses whizzed by because they were full to the brim with filthy muddy people who all look like students…even if they’re not.
I scooped and I scored this year. I just gently need to coax Tom into my being his +1 freebie guest and in return, I will honor and obey to vacuum his home each Tuesday afternoon between now and the Festival weekend. I’m not precious and I’m not proud – I want to go and I want to strut in with that freebie ticket and strut out the 3 blocks home shouting ‘All people who know me, come to my home. All who don’t – sorry and safe 3 hour journey home. Serves you right for living downtown in an overpriced loft while you work 18 hour days for Zynga, Pinterest or Twitter.’ So i'll clean for it...