Question: My husband is sweet and gentle at home, but seems to 'act' controlling in public, always wanting to seem 'in charge.' It hurts my feelings. Why does he do it, is it common, and what can I do to make it stop?
Answer: It seems like your husband blows himself up into his "public persona" for a couple of reasons. First, it may be very important to him to present himself as in charge and "knowing" to those with whom you are socializing.
This may make him feel smart and important, which serve to help him feel good about himself. Also, lots of men really enjoy being the boss when they are out with their wives, partners. They like to pick the restaurant, the food, etc. because it is the way they view their role as a husband, and think that this is what's expected of them and what they are supposed to do. Ironically, it can be their way of showing you they care.
That said, the most important questions:
- When your husband is running the show, is he factoring in your preferences and making room for your choices?
- Secondly, does your husband know he's hurting your feelings when he's behaving in a controlling way?
If you haven't mentioned anything to him he may not even be aware of how he is upsetting you or that he isn't leaving room for your input and preferences.
The good news is that your husband does, in fact, have a softer gentler side that he shows you when you are at home and alone, so clearly how you feel matters to him. Therefore, I would encourage you to talk to him about it.
Start by asking him if he is aware that his behavior toward you changes when you are out in public and, without his realizing it, your feelings are getting hurt when he starts getting bossy.
Give him an example and tell him that you appreciate the fact that he's trying to look out for you, but suggest that he can do the same by being the same kinder, gentler husband he is at home.
This will help him see what's going on and respond to your feelings without feeling attacked. And most of all, the discussion will let him know how he can still look out for you in a respectful, caring way.
What do you think? Is your guy different when he's around other people? Does it only matter how he treats you at home? How would you handle him being 'large and in charge' in front of your friends?
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