There's nothing more hurtful and confusing to a woman than to find out her partner has been unfaithful. It's been years since I was with my cheating ex-fiancé and I still remember the torment I went through after discovering he had a girl on the side. What had I done wrong? Why wasn't I enough for him? What could I have done to keep him from straying?
I'm sure many of you have your own stories you could tell. About the pain and suffering you went through when your guy cheated. So what's the deal? What's going on in his mind when he's texting that bartender or slipping out to see that sales clerk? We decided to go to the source. Marcus Osborne, the "Straight Shooter" at StraightMaleFriend.com, a website that serves up advice and insight on men's motivation in love, sex, dating and relationships. Marcus believes too often women rely on advice from girl friends or even gay male friends--and sometimes just need to hear the truth--straight from the horse's mouth. So here goes...
You found out he cheated--and at last he admits it's true. But suddenly he's turned the tables on you--and is yelling at you instead of begging for forgiveness. What's the deal?
If he's yelling at you after you've busted him, he's attempting to manipulate you. Many of us (guys) are master emotional manipulators. If somehow he finds a way to avoid contrition and turn the situation into an indictment of you, then he clearly feels that he's found a bug in your emotional software and he's going to exploit it. Far too many women are susceptible to the, "You made me do this!" line, and somehow the radars of the bad-boy narcissists of the world are pinpoint accurate at picking up the signal of those women. The average guy is an emotional mess when he gets caught cheating. He's certainly not going to be defiant about it and even the most self-centered guy is mortified at the thought of being the bad guy. After all, you're going to tell your friends and family all about it! Guys don't want that rep so we'll usually try to craft a graceful exit so you can at least say, in essence, "He wasn't a bad guy, he just did a bad thing."
But the belligerent dude who tries to make YOU feel guilty about HIM being a cheat? He's likely done it and gotten away with it before. And he typically goes after women he recognizes are receptive to that type of treatment and acts accordingly.
Don't be "that woman."
If he's ANYTHING but contrite in that situation, you've found yourself a grade-A narcissist. Don't think...run.
Maybe he says the cheating has nothing to do with his feelings for you - that he still loves you--and she means nothing. Does he really believe that--or is just a line?
This is a tricky one. He's probably being honest. Actually, he's very likely being honest. Let's keep it real. For whatever reason, guys in general are more able to compartmentalize love and sex. I mean, that's a pretty open secret, right? So it's very believable that when he says he loves you and she meant nothing.. he means it. Think about how often a guy actually leaves a wife or a long-term girlfriend for a mistress. Rarely happens. So no, I don't think it's "just a line."
BUT....
The real question is whether or not "meant nothing" matters. If you're willing to forgive that single indiscretion based on that statement, then OK, that works for you. On the other hand, you may also want to reconsider how much YOU mean to him. As much as he may love you, he did break your trust. Will that happen again? He got himself some "strange" once. Who's to say that he doesn't meet someone else who "meant nothing?" It's a personal decision that can only be made based on the faith you place in him. Good luck with that one.
When you ask why he cheated, he tells you that he's been unhappy for a long time. How could you have missed this as a girlfriend/wife?
Come on now. Did you really miss the signs that something was wrong between you and him? See, I never really buy that. We all know when things are headed south in our relationships. We may not want to admit it, but we know when things aren't clicking. The problem for most of us is that we have an inability to address those problems before they become major issues. Trying to continually fit a square peg into a round hole.
Don't think we ignore the relationship red flags? Ask yourself how many times, after a break up, you've come up with this laundry list of things that bothered you about your ex. Then ask yourself a) why you never said anything about those things or b) why you put up with it for so long.
Naw, you didn't miss the signs. You ignored the signs.
Why do guys like to find your replacement--before breaking up with you?
Oh man. We don't have a "replacement" ready. But I'd say there's definitely a "transitional" relationship. A lot of guys have someone in mind as a potential hook up if a relationship doesn't work out. But it's fairly rare that the "transitional" becomes anything meaningful. We don't like to stay down too long about break ups. And unlike women who are more prone to wallowing in the emotions of the break up, guys are more able (and interested in) getting back on the horse as soon as possible. That's not something that typically becomes a whole new relationship, I don't think. It's more a feeling of, "I don't want to carry this emotion around. I don't want to feel the hurt, so let me jump in the sack with someone new ASAP."
This obviously isn't the most mature way to manage emotions, but as women are quick to tell us, guys are frequently immature. And I feel bad for the 'transitional' because she ends up with a guy who hasn't worked out his emotions for his ex, no matter how much he says he's over her. That's a recipe for disaster. Eventually he breaks the heart of the 'transitional' because he's finally managed to get his emotional strength back, so he longer needs the crutch of the 'transitional.'
Bye-bye to her.
Now he's strong, happy and single. And ready to have a real relationship again...unfortunately at the expense of the 'transitional.'
What's the best way to pick up and move on from a cheater?
That's such a personal, intimate issue. The feelings of mistrust, and anger. The hit to your self-esteem. The depression. There's no real way to tackle those things in a general way. It's almost like a death in the family, where you need to go through the five stages of grief. Because in a sense, it IS a death of sorts. Your relationship has kicked the bucket. I'd say the simple start would be to make sure you're surrounded by friends and family. Create a new daily routine that forces you to stay engaged with people and interests.
If things seem too dark, by all means seek professional assistance. But don't make the mistake of talking yourself into believing that things won't get better, because they absolutely do.
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