In the beginning, just the sight of your partner made your heart pitter-patter. And yet these days ,you're feeling totally flat-lined. What the heck happened? And can you get back that lovin' feeling once the attraction's left the building?
We asked marriage coach Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.
"The initial chemistry between a couple is definitely affected by a wide range of factors," she says. "Our hormones fluctuate, childbirth, child rearing, work, exhaustion, weight variances, illness, money challenges--all the realities of life affect our libidos and interactions."
But though it's natural for attraction to start to fade, admitting it to your spouse may cause detrimental aftereffects.
"It can be a very hurtful and potentially a fatal event in a marriage to hear that our spouse isn’t attracted to us anymore," says Alexander. "This is a last resort. Taking multiple loving actions and working to rekindle the spark comes first."
So how do you get back that loving feeling--and start lusting after your husband again? First off, if you've been distracted, it's time to put that relationship first.
"Our relationship as a couple has to be a primary commitment, not a secondary one in our lives." Alexander insists. "Dates, conversation, fun activities, doing projects together, vacations, joint decision-making, and more keep us connected to our mates."
Or maybe the problem lies in too much familiarity. Getting a life outside the marriage may actually improve the relationship.
"Maybe it’s time for a girls' or guys' weekend away or occasional nights out with friends so that there are reunions on return," she says.
Also, Alexander adds, don't discount the attraction that comes from touch as well as sight.
"If we are tired and not 'in the mood' for sexual intimacy," she says. "giving our partners permission to initiate gentle, caring touch can cause a turnaround."
Obviously, not all changes in attraction come from fading hormones. If your partner's put on weight or hasn't taken care of himself over the years, try encouraging a joint change in lifestyle. Maybe the two of you could start exercising together or embark on a healthy new diet. It might even become a bonding experience.
And don't forget to take time to appreciate all the attractive non-physical qualities your partner possesses as well.
"Sometimes, creating a gratitude list of all we appreciate in our spouse can increase our positive feelings," Alexander says.
Bottom line--attraction should be something the two of you work on together,to ensure, in the end, that he's just as attracted to you as you are to him.
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