Let's face it, no matter how fancy and flashy your first Valentine's Day was together, over the years, things have definitely slowed down. Instead of a romantic night out, you find you're staying in. Instead of a candlelit meal, you're ordering take-out. And instead of a fancy piece of jewelry--or even a sweet homemade card--you've been gifted a tacky box of drugstore chocolates he grabbed on the way home from work.
Well, no more! This Valentine's Day it's time to stop settling for less then true romance. By taking simple steps, even the most stalled relationship can regain it's spark, says New York Times Bestselling author Harriet Lerner, whose new book, "Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up" has just hit store shelves. (Now there's a V-Day present!)
Lerner believes that if romance is important to one of you it needs to be important to both. And those who put their partner's romantic yearnings on hold--are putting their relationship at risk. We asked her to give us her top 10 ways to add romance to your life this Valentine's Day season.
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1. Warm Things Up.
Make at least two positive comments every day to your partner and speak to the specifics about what you admire (“I loved how funny you were at the party last night”). Make sure that your positive comments exceed critical ones by a healthy margin. Add to the positive comments, the many non-verbal ways that you can make your partner feel loved, valued and chosen. You know what warms your partner’s heart better than any expert so make her feel special every day—or at least on most days.
2. Apologize and repair old hurts.
Sometimes romance has no chance because our partner hasn’t healed from old hurts. It doesn’t matter whether you cheated on her a decade ago, or you weren’t there for her when she needed you last week. Let her know that you still think about your bad behavior and that she’s not alone in carrying the pain of what you did. Take the initiative to say you are very sorry and you want to know if there is anything more you can do or say to make things better. Be generous in offering an apology for the little things as well.
3. Learn to listen.
Ask questions and stay curious about your partner’s experience. Invite your partner to share the whole range of feelings and experience-- not just what’s upbeat and makes you comfortable. Drop the defensiveness and listen only to understand. Inquire about your partner’s worries, criticism and complaints even when you’re tired of hearing them. Ask, “Do I have this right?” and “Is there more you haven’t told me?” More than a fancy box of chocolates, your partner wants the gift of being truly heard and understood. Practicing “pure listening” creates the emotional climate in which romance can flourish.
Related: Can We Have TOO Much Communication and Honesty?
4. Stop the emotional pursuit.
Nothing will kill romance faster than pursuing a distant partner. If you’re the one pushing for closeness, take a break. Don’t press for conversation and don’t text or call unless you need to. Get creative about lowering your intensity, and give your partner physical space, too. For example, don’t try for a “real kiss” while she’s cooking dinner if all she wants is a peck on the cheek. Focus less on your partner, and more on your own life plan. A partner is more likely to feel romantic when he or she has breathing room and can see you taking good care of yourself.
5. Guys: Think housework not roses.
Flowers may put some women in the mood, but your partner may feel a lot more romantic if you notice that the leftovers in the refrigerator need to be tossed, and the baby’s laundry is the dryer should be folded and put away. An unfair division of labor builds resentment, plus she’ll be too tired for romance.
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6. Stop jumping through hoops for sex.
If you’ve been pursuing for sex, back off. Tell your partner that you don’t want the bed to be a place of pain, and that you’re done pressuring her for sex. Tell her you want to give her the twenty-minute foot rub she loves, and stop at that. Let her know sex is important to you and you hope she will initiate it, but the pressure is off.
7. Initiate sex, even though if you don’t feel like it.
If you’re the distancer in bed, initiate sex once in a while even though you don’t feel like it. Obviously, romance won’t flourish if your partner is someone for whom sex is an enlivening essential force and you’re unavailable. To decide you won’t be a physical partner because you don’t feel like it is like his deciding that there will be no more conversation because he’s not a talker. If you care about your partner, there is probably something you can do that wouldn’t be too terribly difficult.
Related: Easy Ways to Mix it Up and Drive Him WILD
8. Be a mystery.
It’s comfortable and cozy when two people know absolutely everything about each other. It’s not, however, a recipe for romance. We’re more likely to feel romantic toward a partner who has connections and passions outside the relationship. So take a dance class, skiing lessons, or join a book group with friends. Go to New Mexico by yourself and take cooking lessons. Get your blip off his radar screen—not in a cold way, but rather in an “I have my own separate life” way. The more passion you show for life outside the relationship, the more likely you’ll find romance within it.
9. Set aside 15 minutes a day to hang out together.
If you’re like many couples you may be stressed out and caught in a time famine. Be intentional about scheduling at least fifteen minutes every evening, to hang out together to share about your day. Romance often happens in spontaneous moments and can’t be predicted, plotted or planned. Rule technology, complaints, and the to-do list off limits during this time.
10. Fake it till you make it.
Acting in a romantic way, will help you to be in touch with romantic feelings over time. Don’t wait until the spirit genuinely moves you or you’ll be sending cryptic messages from the other side. Simply saying, “I love you” as a daily practice can help get your romantic feelings out of the deep freeze.
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