Dealing with the ex can be tough enough, but it's especially hard over the holiday season when it comes to the kids. After all, the last thing you want is dampen their holiday cheer--but sometimes he just makes you so mad!
We asked GalTime marriage and family therapist and host of the Internet talk show "Doctor on Call," Jane Greer, Ph.D. for some advice to keep the season bright...and fight free.
First, if you don't a court-appointed plan in place for the holidays work it out in advance. Decide your own preferences and have options to suggest as well. "Then either email or phone the plans to your ex saying here's how you would like to work out the holiday and will this work out for him as well?", she suggests. "If you offer choices you will be met with less resistance and find it easier to work things out the way you would like, rather than declaring what you want and leaving no room for flexibility."
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The same goes for holiday shopping--so you don't end up buying all the boring underwear and socks, while he's giving out the high-tech toys.
"Each of you make a short list of the people you want to select gifts for, then make a joint list of everyone else who gets a gift and divide that list in terms of practicality for shopping," she says. "It really doesn't matter who purchases the actual gifts, what matters is being clear that your gift giving is a joint venture and that you will either sign both your names to them, or else balance it so each of you is giving some fun gifts as well as some functional ones."
Some couples decide to put aside their differences--and celebrate the holidays together for the sake of the kids. Dr. Greer says this can work, as long as there are no unresolved issues that may come bubbling up during the shared times. "It could lead to tension and conflict that could spoil the holiday for everyone," she says. "It's really important that the couple has transitioned through their separation and are comfortable as friends."
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Remember, the holidays are probably the worst time to confront issues as emotions are running high. "If you get angry, you can remind yourself that now is not the time or place and walk away or take a break so you can calm down," says Dr. Greer. "If your ex starts up with you, you can quickly say, 'I want the holiday to be a fun time for everyone and now isn't the time for us to talk about this' and immediately put a lid on it."
Making an effort to remain civil will mean a happier holiday for you--and your kids. And isn't that the best reward of all? "Additionally, it's important to role model for them that people can disagree with each other and even be angry, but still treat each other with respect," adds Greer. "That is a very valuable lesson for the kids to learn.
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