The Art of Dating When You Have Kids | Love & Sex

You've met someone new. Your heart is pounding, you're giddy and giggly--you can barely eat or sleep. It's downright magical and you're already wondering if he could be the one. Problem is--your kids are not so impressed.

So what's a single mom to do? We asked relationship and marriage coach Susanne Alexander, author of Becoming Character Partners: Observing and Understanding Your Partner’s Qualities.

"Dating when you have children can be challenging. You want to be a woman free to develop a new relationship without complications, but you have a primary responsibility for the wellbeing of your children," says Alexander. "Children will almost always feel mixed emotions towards your dating partner due to their loyalties to their father."

First, she says, make sure the new guy is really something special--before you do the big meet-and-greet and invite the kids into the relationship. "Beyond the fun and excitement of having a partner, how solid is the man’s character?" she asks. "Will he treat you and the children with respect, truthfulness, patience, sincerity, kindness, and more?"

And don't rush into things, Alexander adds. Give kids tools to get over their parents' breakup before introducing them to something new. This may be as simple as giving them time to heal--or they may need therapy to help them accept the fact that the marriage is really over.

"The foundation of their lives is shaken, and they need reassurance that a new relationship is not going to rob them of their parents further," she says. "If you are out all the time and spending less quality time with the children, they are bound to feel resentful."

When they do finally meet, do consider their feelings about the new man. "Kids often will pick up on what’s wrong with a date before you will. Excitement (or lust!) may be blinding you to problems that the children see more clearly," says Alexander. "It will take patience and acceptance on your part to listen to their concerns and assess what is valid in their comments."

Depending on the children's ages, she says, it might be helpful to hold a family meeting and talk to your kids about the idea of you dating someone new. Set up family ground rules and guidelines for their behavior when a date comes to the front door.

And that goes for you, too! "You have to be responsible for the influence and example of your own behavior," she adds. "For example, is it fair or wise for you to be engaging in sexual relations in the home with your children? Put yourself in their shoes – how comfortable would this be? How might it affect their behavior as teenagers?"

Bottom line - it takes time and patience and lots of communication to help families heal from the pain of divorce and move forward. And don't be too hard on your kids if they're not as excited about your new man as you are. Just give them time--and good reasons--to come around.   

"Children are unlikely to trust that any relationship you build with someone new will last until they see significant reasons to believe," says Alexander. "To expect them to invest emotionally to a significant degree in someone you are casually dating is unreasonable."