Dating can be a rough gig. At times, there's so much rejection that it feels like you are willingly showing up to get slapped in the face, over and over. Even if you have a naturally strong self-worth, once deflated and defeated, it can be hard to maintain your confidence when date after date leads nowhere.
The problem starts when you begin to doubt that you are indeed, a total catch. That you really do have something the opposite sex longs for-- that you are in fact, worthy. Once your head game goes south, it can be hard to get back on track and create real attraction.
That’s when you need a complete dating reframe, a revolutionary way of seeing dating that hands you back your confidence so you can approach that cutie across the room, knowing beyond any doubt that you have something so valuable they’ll thank you for it.
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So what’s the gift you have to give that other singles need so much? You can offer the experience of really being seen. By asking meaningful questions and listening closely, you can start to see who someone really is. You get a feel for what is important to them, what lights them up, and what they value. Then you can compliment them on that and instantly, they feel seen, perhaps for the first time in a very long time, and that creates instant interest and attraction towards you.
Why is offering the experience of being seen so successful for dating? Because feeling seen is one of human kind’s deepest, most critical underlying needs. According to a whole field of research in psychology known as Attachment, those first experiences of being seen, held, and loved by your mother create such a powerful feeling, that you will continue to crave that experience for the rest of your life!
It’s important because people become mirrors for each other – it’s how we first began to feel our own worth – through the eyes of someone else. So when we offer it to each other as adults, we immediately feel secure, happy, and worthy. And when you create that feeling for someone – you instantly become someone they want to spend more time with- because it feels good! Then when people begin to respond so positively to you, your confidence will rebound, boosted by the fact that you know you are offering to others a priceless gift they truly need.
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Thankfully, it’s easy to offer the experience of being seen to others. Here are the steps.
How to Offer the Experience of "Being Seen"
Step 1: Create Meaningful Conversation
In order for someone to be seen, you have to learn who he or she really is. So you’ll have to dive deeper than typical superficial conversation by asking more brave and purposeful questions such as, “What are you most passionate about?” or “What’s most meaningful in your life right now?” This will get you started, but because people are not used to having deeper conversations, you’ll probably have to ask some follow up questions to really open your partner up…. so dive to the core by asking to know more with a question such as, “So what do you love about that?” or “Why is that important to you?”
Step 2: Look for Who They Are
As your partner talks about what matters to them, look for who they are by paying attention to a few things:
- What values seem important to them? For example, do they value helping others, adventure seeking, and a connection to nature?
- How are they showing up? For example, are they caring, thoughtful, enthusiastic?
- Who are they? For example, do they volunteer, love animals or enjoy solving complex problems at work?
Step 3: Offer the Compliment
Once you can tell who someone is and what matters to him or her, offer a sincere, smiling compliment that will be meaningful because it reflects an aspect of what is deeply important to him or her.
- “I can tell you are a passionate and caring person. I really respect those qualities in a person!”
- “Wow... I love that you are into helping animals. It means a lot to me when someone cares enough to do that.”
- “You seem so committed and invested in a career you are passionate about. I really admire that!”
Typically, these kind of deeper conversations will really highlight what you have in common with someone, and because they feel good, they easily lead into asking for and scoring a first date - building confidence for you both. And by knowing that you are offering others a precious gift with your presence, you can feel great, even if it doesn’t lead to the next date.
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