Ever notice that when you are not searching for men, they come to you? What are you doing correctly at that moment that you are not doing when you actually pursue the cute guy across the bar?
It seems like we scream 'APPROACHABLE' when we are simply enjoying good grub with our gal pals, but may not when we flirt. Ain't that a cosmic joke! According to several experts, it has something to do with our attitude, our body language, and our relaxed posture. We are in our safety bubble, laughing, and completely lacking in the self-conscious department when our guard is down. Often the opposite is true when we're supposed to look like we've got it all together trying to impress men.
I wanted to find out how we can put our best face forward, so I turned to a couple key relationship experts for a he said/she said view.
The guy's tips come from Thomas Edwards, aka the Professional Wingman.
In the other corner, for the gal's guide: Extreme Makeover’s very own relationship coach, Marilyn Anderson.
The Male Perspective
Before the Bar, Prep Yourself
The clothes you choose to go out in can say a lot about you. It determines what message you are sending out there and affects what kind of men will approach you. Wear an outfit that fits and is a little revealing. Allow it to show off your curves while still leaving things to the imagination. When it comes to the cleavage rule, ask yourself what you are looking for tonight. Remember, cleavage is equivalent to how much he’s staring and where his eyes are focused. You want his eyes to be above the neckline when he’s getting to know you.
Ready? Wait!
Before going out, make sure your outfit looks put together, your hair looks good, and your nails are either painted or at least clean. Check your perfume and give yourself a final look-over. Now you are golden!
Finally, You Are at the Bar.
Be confident and scope out the crowd. Find your potential prospect for the night and follow these tips, to making him yours.
The Interactive Eye Contact
Found him? Okay, now make eye contact and hold it for 2 seconds, then look away. After a few seconds look back at him. If eye contact locks again, SMILE, and look away as if you’re saying “you caught me” (in a playful way).
Be Open (includes where you choose to sit at the bar)
Position your body in the direction of most of the men. If you are sitting at a bar, sit toward one of the corners so you can see people and not have your back turned against them. If a guy can only see the back of your head, he will assume you are not interested and he will continue on his way.
If you are with your friends, stand where there’s a lot of traffic flow. Although sometimes annoying, this is the easiest place to bump into people and start conversation (Think about it, him crashing into you is the perfect conversation starter!) Plus, if he sees you interacting with other people, he will perceive you as friendly and…APPROACHABLE (Bingo)!
The Conversation- Ultimate First Impression (His & Yours)
Okay, so you’ve hooked your fish. Now what? The initial conversation is what will either keep him or make him run for the hills, so listen up.
All topics should be kept light and revolve around sharing stories about each other. Ask him questions that allow him to share stories about his character in an interesting and fun manner. If you are interested, you start to notice that your body will open up in various ways (in a good way). You’ll turn your body more towards him. Your arms will be unfolded, your feet will point towards him. Maybe you’ll even start playing with your hair. And of course, you will be smiling more. Men will pick up on these cues and find you even more attractive. Plus, when you become aware that you are brushing his shoulder when he teases you or that you are subconsciously primping yourself in front of him, it’ll help you determine how much you are interested.
Shy Guy Issue
So maybe you’ve gotten his attention, but he still hasn’t headed towards you. Take a deep breath and remember that although we sometimes think men are from another planet, they are human. The poor guy is probably just as nervous as you are. So give him a push, broaden your smile or maybe wink at him. If that doesn’t work, then you can proceed (with caution) into his territory and initiate conversation. However, once you have crossed over to the dark side, relinquish responsibility to the man you have approached. If you are too aggressive, you will come off as desperate (Game Over)! Instead give him the added motivation to carry the interaction (in other words, make him believe this whole situation was his idea…it always works).
Smile, Smile, Smile!
You cannot smile enough. Guys will be swept away by your smile. Cheesy? Maybe, but a smile will warm anyone’s heart and alleviate a man’s fear of approaching you!
The Female Perspective
The Dress Code
Wear attractive clothes that flatter you, but aren’t overly suggestive or too prim. If you show off too much cleavage, he won’t be looking at your face. And then, you will never know if he likes YOU or just your ta-tas. Remember, a little mystery is always intriguing.
Wear something that “invites” a comment from a guy. Like a cute hat or an interesting necklace. If you are out during the day in a T-shirt, wear one that says something fun or humorous on the front on which a guy will want to comment. It gives him an opening to be clever and funny (two traits guys love to show off!) If you are going out, be a bit more adventurous and wear a red dress instead of a black one; it will make you stand out. Plus, it’ll show him that you are self-assured and confident (even if you are trembling on the inside).
Body Language Goes A Long Way
How you carry yourself can wordlessly say “Well, helllooo handsome!” or “Stay out of my face!” How you sit, how you stand, your posture, and position are definite signs as to whether you want a guy near you or ten blocks away! Remember, crossed legs are sexy, but crossed arms are way too angry.
The Problem of Multiple Girlfriends
DON’T hang out with TOO many girlfriends at once! Don’t go to a party or club and surround yourself with a bunch of girls all the time. A guy can’t approach you if you are constantly engaged in girl talk.
If you are at a club or party, strike out on your own for a while. A woman is much more accessible if she appears by herself, or with just one other girlfriend. It allows a man in— so he won’t feel intimidated or judged by her whole entourage.
The 2 L’s: Laugh & Listen
When a guy makes a joke. Laugh! Guys LOVE it when a woman appreciates their sense of humor. Listen to what he says and show GENUINE INTEREST. Nothing makes a woman more appealing than if the guy thinks she actually cares what he’s talking about!
Be Positive
Be upbeat and fun and talk about the good stuff in your life. Leave your unpaid bills and dirty laundry (literally & figuratively) at home! Make yourself someone he wants to be around. And SMILE!
CARPE DIEM & NOCTEM!
Seize the day & night! You never know when you might see Mr. Handsome. So be ready with some cute, dare we say pick up lines of your own…Note to self, ladies. You should always have a few clever lines up your sleeve, in case you are presented with that once in a lifetime moment, where Mr. Handsome smiles at you! Who knows...he may be Mr. Right!
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Thomas Edwards is the founder of The Professional Wingman and has been featured in Maxim, E! Online, CNN, MSN, Wall Street Journal, and Blast Magazine. He works with a clientele made up of 20 percent women and handles topics like this on a daily basis.
Marilyn Anderson is the author of Never Kiss A Frog: A Girl’s Guide to Creatures From the Dating Swamp. She is also the founder and producer of Never Kiss A Frog Productions as well as the Dating, Flirting, & Kissing Coach on TV’s Extreme Makeover. She has been featured on over 250 radio & TV shows on the topics of love & romance.
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