It’s a sneaking suspicion you may have had for a while, triggered by the way your guy acts, how he dresses, maybe even the TV he watches. Who knows exactly where this question came from, but it is stubbornly stuck in the spin cycle of your mind and really putting a wedge between you and domestic bliss: Could your boyfriend or husband be gay?
There are those small details that could mean something or could mean nothing. Or maybe you are imagining these hints or being influenced by the opinions of your friends. It’s difficult to know which habits can be indicators that the man in your life may be gay.
Rick Clemons, life coach and host of the radio show The Coming Out Lounge, suggests some possible red flags when it comes to deciphering if the man in your life may be gay. Most of these indicators have to do with the opinions and lifestyle choices your guy makes. Does anything seem different than when you two first became a couple?
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5 Signs He Might Be Gay
1. Does your guy seem homophobic?
“As the media has shown us over and over again, many a man ‘comes out’ by being forced out due to their blatant disdain towards homosexuality. While not a 100% guarantee that your man is playing for the other side, it does make you wonder, ‘Is he really that insecure or is it a cover up?’”
2. Overly evasive or secretive?
“Whether it’s protecting their emails and texts, or always changing the subject about where they’ve been, if your man is uber sensitive in these arenas, then there’s a good chance that one of two things is up. 1) He’s having an affair or 2) He’s gay and hiding his truth. No matter what the reality is, something’s come up and it’s getting in the way of your relationship, so it’s time to get to the bottom of it – for the good of you both!”
3. Lingering and longing?
“This one is pretty straightforward – you catch your man checking out other men. It doesn’t matter if it’s in public, pics in magazines, or on the 52 inch screen of your home theater. When his eyes linger with desire on a fine specimen of the male species... something’s stirring. Admittedly, it could be a simple ‘Bromance’ – man-to-man admiration.
4. Erectile Dysfunction (ED)
ED is either self-induced or the real deal. In the case of a man who is fighting his core sexuality, it is not uncommon for his spouse and her desires for sexual intimacy to be told to take a number and wait. Even special occasion sex (birthdays and anniversaries) gets wrapped up in the excuse of ‘Not now, I’m really tired!’ Regardless of the reason, doing a little extra homework in this area to uncover the true reason for the lack, will help to reveal the truth and might just provide some intimate fun along the way!”
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5. Extreme Makeover?
“Often his slightest shift in grooming, clothing style, and time spent at the gym leads to an extreme makeover that still doesn’t guarantee that he is heading back to your boudoir. If your man is looking finer than he ever did in college, leave some room for his own desire to better himself, but don’t be so naïve that it’s all just for his own good. He may be making himself good for the other man in his life!”
Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, Ed.S., LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage recommends considerate yet effective methods one may utilize when trying to initiate a discussion about sexual preference with their partner. “Find moments to ask a few questions about the behaviors you have noticed, nicely and without anger.
Emphasize that you’re just checking in on something you do not understand. This will set the stage for further discussion. Discuss your concerns while saying that your goal is honesty between the two of you and that partners cannot have secrets. Given the weightiness of the topic of one's sexuality, consider talking with a therapist first or even asking your partner to discuss the subject in therapy, if they are finding it too difficult to speak with you alone. Do some research on the topic and educate yourself. Work through what the outcome will mean to you and the kind of emotions that it will evoke if your gut is correct.”
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Danielle Miller is a freelance writer and editor from the Boston area. She is a publishing project manager and has written articles on health and relationship-related topics for various outlets for several years. She is also a book editor, working mainly on books relating to science, technology, and user experience.