“I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You." How many times have you heard or said that sentence? It’s commonly used to end a romantic relationship, but the idea that we’re supposed to be “in love” with our partner forever is a myth. It’s a myth that has destroyed many a relationship that could have been saved, if only the partners knew the truth.
The truth is that being “in love” is an immature type of love. It was never intended to be a permanent state. In fact, being “in love” isn’t even about love; it’s about lust and procreation. That state of being “in love” is a complex hormonal reaction designed to bring two people together who have a chance of making healthy babies. We’re attracted to people whose genes are compatible with our own and different enough from our own to create strong, healthy children. That’s all it is. It’s not about long term compatibility or having good parenting skills, it’s merely Darwinism for humans.
The problem with being “in love” lies on two fronts. The first problem is when a couple jumps into a committed relationship or marriage while still in the throes of these hormones. You’re seeing your partner through lust-colored glasses so you can’t even make an informed decision about the type of person they are, yet you jump into the relationship with both feet. By the time the lust hormones wear off a little, you start to think, “Oh my, what was I thinking?” This happens with celebrities all the time; remember Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock’s marriage? Four months is just about the time those hormones start to wear off; the average is between three and six months. Unfortunately, sometimes there’s already a baby on the way by the time you take a real look at your partner.
The second problem with being in love is more insidious. We’ve bought into fairy tales and cultural stories that tell us that if we’re not “in love” then we’re not with the right person. We don’t even question whether or not that’s true. And it turns out, it’s not true. Loving someone requires both people to commit to the relationship and to each other. It doesn’t just happen, but we buy into the fairy tales and we think that if the relationship is work, it must be wrong.
How can you tell if you’ll love your new partner once you’re no longer “in love”? Here are some tips for making the transition:
- Wait until the “honeymoon hormones” wear off before you decide to get married or move in together. I know it’s hard to wait because you are so “in love,” but if the love is real, it will handle the patience necessary.
- Stay in touch with your friends. Don’t allow the relationship to consume you so much that you wake up one day and realize you haven’t seen your friends in weeks. Be sure to ask your friends for their honest opinion about your new partner. And don’t get mad if their opinions aren’t positive; remember, your friends aren’t under the influence of those honeymoon hormones.
- Talk about the future with your partner. You don’t have to have a big, serious sit down, but be sure to talk about the future. What are your long term goals, do you want children, how do you want to raise your children, where do you see yourself living in ten years, and what do you see yourself doing?
- Stay connected through non-sexual touch. Non-sexual touch, including hugs, back rubs and holding hands, help the hormones responsible for long term togetherness to kick in. Those are the hormones, particularly oxytocin, which transform being in love into truly loving one another.
- Speak your truth in a timely manner. Don’t let small grievances build up into deep resentments. Your partner has no chance of understanding you if you don’t speak your truth, and there can’t be real love unless there is real understanding. Make a time each week to talk about your relationship, your challenges, and what you appreciate about each other.
- Don’t be afraid to talk about your fears. Our fears are always magnified if we try to ignore them. Talking about your fears will bring any issues to the surface that could potentially tear your relationship apart. That may sound scary, but once they’re out in the open you can strategize how to resolve them. Keep them hidden and they’re sure to surface and create the very problem you’re afraid of. For example, a common fear is, “What will happen to our sex life once we have kids?” By talking about it, you can make commitments that will help keep your sex life on track.
OK, give it to me. Do you agree or do you believe you can stay 'in love' forever? What does that mean to you? Let us know!
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