You make "the moves" on your man... and he's not interested. It can devastate your ego-- leaving you feeling embarrassed and rejected. I mean, a man ALWAYS wants sex, right? Wrong.
I recently interviewed Maria Merloni, L.I.C.S.W., therapist, coach, and writer specializing in sacred sexuality, about why men might not be “in the mood.” Women often get a bad reputation for withholding sex and not being in the mood, but it does happen to men as well... maybe more often than you thought.
5 Reasons Why Your Man Isn't "In the Mood"
1. He's just plain exhausted, stressed, or preoccupied. Surely you can relate to being too tired, and maybe even too stressed, to have sex. However, I think that sex is the best stress reliever on the planet. Studies have shown that orgasms lower a person’s overall stress levels. When it comes to being preoccupied, you might be able to put your preoccupation aside, but men don’t have that ability. Men are much more linear in their thinking processes. They can't multi-task the way women do. That means that when something is on their mind, it squeezes out just about everything else.
Related: 5 Tips for Getting "In the Mood"
2. He's sick or has hormonal imbalance; he may even have undiagnosed depression. Hormone imbalances such as seasonal affective disorder and hypothyroidism will lower libido, as will depression. What you may not realize is that many cases of depression go undiagnosed. This could be because they’re not acute depression, but it’s also partly because of our cultural bias against and shame about being depressed. Men tend to be particularly sensitive to shame because of gender expectations. They consider depression to be a weakness, and just about the last thing men want to be thought of is weak.
3. He's cheating on you, and you don't know it. I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to hear this one. Whether it’s a physical affair or an emotional one, if his attentions are one someone new, he’s unlikely to be having sex with you. You might think that if it was just an emotional affair, you’d be having more sex, since he’s not doing it with the object of his desires. However, his guilt about cheating, even if it’s not physical, will make him more likely to masturbate than to relieve his desire for another woman with you. (There’s something strangely comforting in that thought!) My advice: if you think he’s cheating, ask him. And listen to his body language along with his words. You’ll know in your gut if he’s telling the truth. It might not be easy to face, but it’s better than fooling yourself.
4. He no longer finds you attractive. He might be "in the mood" but just not in the mood to have sex with YOU. This is the easiest reason to fix. All you have to do is something you’ve never done before. Men crave variety, especially when it comes to sex. If you have the same kind of sex whenever you hook up, that gets very boring. (C’mon, admit it: it’s probably boring to you, too.)
Related: 3 Mistakes Women Make in the Bedroom
Surprise him when he gets home from work wearing just an apron, or just a pair of high heels. Get into a role play where you’re the naughty secretary/nurse/maid and you’re trying to seduce him. You can even try this if you’ve gained some weight or are unhappy with your appearance in some way. Trust me, you are way more self conscious about it than he is. In fact, he’s probably staying away because subconsciously you are saying you don’t feel desirable. Studies have shown that the majority of men prefer a woman with more meat on her bones than those super skinny model types. As I often say, sexy is a state of mind.
5. He has a low sex drive for a man. Even men’s libidos wax and wane. It’s a myth that men are in the mood 24/7. I recently read an article that suggested one third of all relationships have men with lower sex drives than their female partners. Particularly as they age, men’s sex drives begin to wane. Luckily, most men are easily led when it comes to sex-- and I don’t mean this in a bad way!
If you have a partner whose libido is low, you may just have to be the initiator more often. Even if he’s not initially in the mood, with a little coaxing he’ll probably come around. Remember, men are very visual creatures. He may not be thinking about sex, but if you saunter in front of the television in sexy lingerie, he’ll change his mind pretty quickly.
More from GalTime:
- The FRAGILE Male Ego? Not So Fast!
- 6 Things Women Do to Push Men Away
- 4 Hottest Bedroom Trends
- Should You Schedule Sex?
With thanks to Maria Merloni, L.I.C.S.W.,Therapist/Coach/Writer specializing in sacred sexuality. Maria can be found at www.synexlove.com.
Johanna Lyman is a published author, an internationally known speaker and teacher, and a Spiritual Love Coach. She is a certified life coach (CCUG) trained by CoachUniversity. Johanna combines personal experience and esoteric studies in a humorous, practical and accessible style that empowers her clients to live the fullest expression of their lives.