“UGP.” — That’s an acronym for “Ur Gettin’ Played.” And we suspect that this is what’s going on with our anonymous e-mailer from Sunnyvale California:I’m happy to get a guy opinion on something, especially from guys that don’t know me. Friends tend to filter things that they tell you.. So… I’ve been dating a guy for a little over a year. We are exclusive but not serious. He has some pretty heavy emotional issues he’s dealing with (not news to me) and has lately been telling me he thinks I should meet other guys and go out with them. He says he doesn’t want to get serious with me, or anyone, that he can’t deal with being hurt again, and that things ALWAYS end (things being relationships). I don’t have any interest in meeting anyone else, but if he’s not willing to invest in trying to see if things can work between us, then I should start whether I want to or not. In the meantime, knowing that I may be out meeting other guys, he’s asked me not to try to meet anyone while I’m spending time with him (!!!) He likes the companionship of our ‘relationship’, says it’s good for him, he doesn’t feel pressured… I like spending time with him but I’m wondering if you guys think it’s even worth trying to gently discuss becoming closer, maybe see if things can work between us. I think it’s a waste of time, really but I dislike dating and have a really hard time meeting anyone. We’re both in our late 40-s, and we’re both decently attractive and are not knife wielding psychopaths. Really! Ok, tell me what you think.
Thanks for checking in, Anonymous. Hope you keep coming back even after you read this!
One thing I’ve always believed about advice is that more often than not, most of us have the answers to our questions already. We’ve already formed our opinions about whatever has us bewildered. More than anything, we generally want one of two things: We have an answer or solution to a problem ourselves and we (a) don’t like our own answer and we want someone to talk us into an alternative solution or (b) we want some one to confirm what we already believe.
I think you already know the answer here. You said it yourself —“If he’s not willing to invest in trying to see if things can work between us, then I should start (seeing other people) whether I want to or not.”
Without knowing this gentleman at all, and with as little judgment as I can muster, I’d say this guy is playing you. And he may not be doing it maliciously. He could very well be dealing with an emotional anchor of some sort. But it definitely sounds like some head games are being played here. How can you really be “exclusive” and not “serious?” Does this mean that you only have sex with each other and no one else until a more attractive option presents itself?
The suspicion here is that our friend really likes your company and loves intimacy with you — just not enough to commit to anything more. Which means you struggle with the ambiguity of your “relationship” while dude gets to have his cake and…....take a few bites until he finds a better piece of cake.
Think about it. He’s telling you basically, “I can’t commit to you, maybe you should see other people” but “just don’t go see other people until I’m done.” Must be nice to make that request…and actually GET IT!
Of course he likes not getting pressured. Perfect world for a guy. A no pressure relationship. If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a zillion times.... if the dude is really interested in you, you’ll KNOW he’s really interested in you – because he won’t want there to be ANY uncertainties. I mean come on..it’s been a YEAR and you’re still “exclusive” but not “serious?”
Red flags all over the place on this one. I could be completely off base here.
But probably not.
Save yourself the drama and some serious (and truly preventable headache and heartache) and move on.
You’ll thanks us later.
Read more from Marcus at StraightMaleFriend.com. Everyone needs a straight male friend!
What do you think? Can you be 'exclusive' but not 'serious'?