There’s something about human beings that makes us crave answers. I suppose it goes without saying that this curiosity, this desire to know “why,” has been one of the driving forces behind our progressive civilization. It’s also the one-word question that we as parents spend endless hours answering for our children from the time they’re toddlers, “Why is the sky blue?” To the time they grow up, “Why can’t I date him? He’s up for parole in 3 to 5 years!”
The word “why” has proven its worth over the past two thousand years (I don’t really know if it’s that old) and that won’t change. But there is one area where I’ve learned that seeking answers to our why’s has borne out to be of little value.
I hear the questions with alarming regularity at the start of new relationships. “Why does he like me?” is the one I hear most. But most of the "Why's" come tumbling out at the end of relationships, under the guise of seeking clarity. “Why isn’t he calling me back?” “Why would he tell me he loves me and then walk away a week later?” “Why would he choose her?” I’ve heard them all and I’m certain you have as well. Heck you’ve probably even screamed those questions into a tear-stained pillow once or twice yourself. Bargaining, reasoning….
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“If he would just tell me why I could just move on.”
The dilemma created by seeking answers at the end of a relationship is that each answer leads directly into more questions that end up being inadequately answered. I mean sure, you WILL get answers, just none that ever seem to completely satiate you. That’s the catch twenty-two. No answer is the right answer. Yet instead of a straightening of the spine-- many women experience an almost obsessive desire to get those questions answered to their complete satisfaction.
And it ain't ever gonna happen.
I’ve had more than one conversation like this and I remain confused by the “why-mania.” COLD HARD FACT ALERT: He’s STILL going to be out of your life. He says he’s just not that into you anymore. How much does the reason his interest has died actually matter? If you ask me, the continued hunt for reasons serves no other purpose than to keep you caged and stagnant. Stuck in the mud of a dead relationship. He’d moved on and she’s home wallowing in self-pity and doubt.
Why is that so ok with so many women?
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Has anyone, male or female, EVER been satisfied with the answers to their break-up questions? No. That’s because in the mind of the dumpee, the person walking out on the relationship is making a huge mistake. How could they be walking out on YOU? Did they forget how amazing and incredible you are? But wait… they’re TELLING me how amazing and incredible I am… but they STILL want to leave? This doesn’t make sense! I need explanations!
That’s right. It DOESN’T make sense. And it never will. So why ask why? The answers don’t and won’t make provide an ounce of release. In all likelihood, they will probably only add to the confusion. And that the answers don’t MATTER. Life isn’t a romantic comedy, afterall. You’re not going to chase him down at the airport and make the final speech where you convince him how monumental a mistake he’s making by ending things. No way.
That guy is gone.
And guess what, he’s probably doing you a great favor. Now do yourself a favor and let him leave. Feel free to ask your questions. Get your why’s out in the open. And then accept those answers unconditionally. And then clear a path for your future relationships by getting out of your own way.
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