At a conference I attended earlier this year, I heard the amazing Brene Brown give a speech about “Move-a-Body-Friends” (MABF’s): People you could call in the middle of the night to come over and dispose of a body, no questions asked.
At first I thought, Who of my friends has the right girth and strength to take on such a task?
Next I thought, Who would I have to “off” to see if my supposed MABF will follow through?
Then, it dawned on me. Brene was simply speaking metaphorically. So I put down the knife. I figured I’d check in with one of my besties, to see if she’d move a body for me. It went something like this.
Possible MABF: Hi. What’s up?
Me: I just wanted to see if you would move a body for me?
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MABF: Wait, say that again?
Me: Would you move a body for me?
MABF: Move one, like in Desperate Housewives?
MABF: How did it die?
Me: Does that matter?
MABF: Well, did you kill it on purpose? Look, if it was Mark, I would do it, obviously, but other than that, I’d want to know if it was an accident.
How quickly we assume it’s the husband.
Me: Fine, let’s say it was on purpose? Let’s say Mark made that weird chewing sound he makes when he eats bagels, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I beat him with the cream cheese container.
MABF: Really, that’s your weapon of choice, cream cheese?
Me: I’m assuming it would be in the heat of the moment, and that would be the nearest thing.
MABF: Do you have any idea how long it would take to kill someone with a cream cheese? I don’t know if this is a well thought out plan.
Me: I’m NOT MAKING A PLAN, I’m just assessing the level of our friendship!
MABF: Well, what condition is the body in; is it all mangled? I have a weak stomach, you know.
Me: I just told you I beat him with a cream cheese container, I don’t think mangling will be involved. Maybe some curdling, if we let him sit too long. I want you to know I’m starting to rethink our friendship.
MABF: Why do we have to move it? Couldn’t we just say it was self-defense?
Me: Fine, but in that scenario you’d have to rough me up to make it look real.
MABF: Yeah, I could do that.
Me: I feel like you answered that so effortlessly, and yet, the rest of this pow-wow isn’t going the way I’d hoped.
MABF: Look, I wouldn’t rule the whole disposal thing out, I’d just have to know a little more.
Me: Is that your way of saying you’d be up for the conversation?
MABF: Would it go like this, “Hey, what did you get at Saks yesterday? What are you making for dinner? What should I do with the body in my kitchen?”
Me: Yes … but frankly, I wouldn’t care what you’re making for dinner.
MABF: Then sure, why not? Would you have extra bagels?
MABF: I’m in. So, what are you doing for breakfast, I’m hungry.
As it turns out, I do have an MABF -- a meticulous, crafty one, who’s willing to beat me up, if necessary. I’m so lucky!
Do YOU have an MABF? What crazy stuff have you done for her/him?
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Jenny Isenman is a freelance humor writer, on-air lifestyle expert and mom of 2. Her work has been published in numerous national magazines and websites. She’s known as Jenny From the Blog at her award winning site, TheSuburbanJungle.com. She guarantees that reading it will make you smarter, tanner, and reduces cellulite.