No More BFFs...Seriously? | Parenting

Okay, I've heard about helicopter parenting, but this is a little extreme! According to a recent New York Times article, some school officials and parents are officially discouraging best friends. Yes, best friends! Like the girl you gave half a necklace heart to back in summer camp when you were a kid. The one you shared all your embarrassing secrets with and consoled when the boy she liked, liked someone else instead. The one you called everyday and hung out with after school and basically relied on more than anyone else.

But today, that BFF spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E for school officials looking to discourage bullying and cliques. They'd rather have your kids join a non-exclusive pack of friends and do everything together.

The article lists this as an example:

In recent years Timber Lake Camp, a co-ed sleep-away camp in Phoenicia, N.Y., has started employing “friendship coaches” to work with campers to help every child become friends with everyone else. If two children seem to be too focused on each other, the camp will make sure to put them on different sports teams, seat them at different ends of the dining table or, perhaps, have a counselor invite one of them to participate in an activity with another child whom they haven’t yet gotten to know.

“I don’t think it’s particularly healthy for a child to rely on one friend,” said Jay Jacobs, the camp’s director. “If something goes awry, it can be devastating. It also limits a child’s ability to explore other options in the world.”

Sure, it sounds good in theory. But hey, so does socialism. The problem is, it just isn't going to work on a real-life playground. It's a fact of life--some kids are just going to gravitate to other kids with shared interests or upbringing and there's always going to be an odd man out. Someone who doesn't get their jokes or like their games.

Related: How Strong Are Your Child's Friendship-Building Skills?

But instead of letting that outsider go out and find that one friend who does "get them"--maybe outside of school --you force them to interact with people who, for whatever reason, just don't like them, making them feel more left out than ever. After all, who wants to hang out with kids who clearly hate you? And let's face it--no amount of "friendship coaching" Kumbaya psychology is going to make that much of a difference. We're not in a Disney movie here, people.

When I was in junior high, my parents talked me into joining our church youth group. In their minds, it was a great opportunity! I'd have a large group of kids my own age, all doing organized, fun, wholesome activities together. But the problem was, I couldn't relate personally to any of them. And within this large bunch of potential friends, I was lonely and miserable.

Then along came a woman named Tammy. Tammy gathered all the girls who didn't fit in at the regular youth group and started her own smaller group, which met at her house. The church thought we were being "exclusive" and was angry that it wasn't open invitation. But within that smaller group of girls, I made friends, formed bonds, and felt happy and safe in a way I never could in the larger group. How could that be a bad thing?

Which brings me to my next point, hanging out in large groups also limits the opportunity to form emotional bonds between friends. Yes, you have enough people to whip up a game of softball, but you don't have anyone you trust enough to share the hurt you feel when your boyfriend breaks up with you. And if you don't learn how to share and communicate as a child, how are you going to do that as an adult in a relationship?

Because, oh yes, while you might be discouraged to pair off as a child--unless you choose life on a commune--you will be encouraged to someday pair off in a marriage and hopefully gain a BFF in your own husband. If you've never learned how to be one-on-one--how are you going to deal with that intense kind of partnership?

Related: Are You Raising Kids Who Don't Know How To Play?

And lastly, putting aside all the reasons why this kind of thing just won't work--what's up with the micromanaging of our kids? Seriously parents--lighten up. Let them live their lives--experience both triumphs and disappointments. It'll better prepare them for the real world later in life. After all, if they don't go out and scrape their metaphorical knees now, they're going hurt a lot more in the future.

So what do you think? Should children be discouraged to have a one-on-one friendship?

Related from GALTime.com:

• Are You Ruining Your Kids' Social Lives?
• Can Sticking to Bedtime Make Kids Smarter?
• 5 Tips to Help Shy Kids
• 7 Ways to Help Middle Kids Shine