Her name was Michelle and she was the only child of older parents. And she got EVERYTHING. The swimming pool, the Atari 2600 (yes, I'm dating myself here!), a Cabbage Patch Ki the year no one could get Cabbage Patch Kids. If a child of the eighties wanted it, Michelle had it.
My parents, on the other hand, were more--let's say 'frugal'. Or just flat out poor. After all, my dad was a middle school teacher and my mom stayed at home with us kids. While they never had a problem providing the essentials, there wasn't always a ton of money for the big ticket extras.
I'm sure, in this economy, many parents are nodding their heads. While they'd love to give their little girl a pony for her birthday, they may not even be able to afford a My Little Pony. Whether you have the money or not, how do you decide how much to spend on your kids? It's not always about ability, but what is RIGHT. We asked parenting expert Julie Freedman Smith of Parenting Power for some ideas.
"Often, parents think that they can buy their children’s love or boost a child’s self-esteem by giving them stuff," she says. "In reality, this is like feeding children junk food. It may seem like it is filling the hunger void, but it is not adding nutrition. True self-esteem is gained through a sense of ability, which comes from taking on new responsibilities. It is also the process of realizing that one is not what one owns."
And the practice of living beyond your means could be teaching your children the wrong message. "You are sending a message, which might be going against base values of honesty, detachment, self-discipline," she warns. " When your child has no sense of the value of money – you are missing out on a great teaching opportunity for their adult life" and they won't know the importance of things like earning, saving, giving, budgeting and spending.
She says, instead, parents need to look at their own values and goals for their children. "If you want children who are resourceful, independent and able to tolerate frustration and handle hardship, then you are mindful of opportunities for them to learn those skills along the way," she suggests. "Kids can learn to handle it when they don’t get everything that they want. They can also learn to earn/save money that they want."
But how do you have that conversation with your kids about cutting back? Especially when they have a friend or schoolmate who may be getting everything his or her heart desires?
"This is a great lesson – we can honor our kids emotions: 'Wow – a pony! That would be quite a gift. I’ve often dreamed of having a pony,'" says Freedman Smith. "Then we can talk about our family. 'In our family, we are making different choices about how to spend our money. We are spending our money on these things right now.' Recognize jealousy and talk about it – 'I bet you wish you had one too. That would be great.' We don’t have to make it better, just acknowledge the emotion.'"
YOUR TURN: How do you determine how much is too much when it comes to your kids? Do you think you spend too much? What tips do you have for balancing giving your kids everything you can and making sure they know the value of a dollar? Leave us a comment!
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