When Mom Plays Favorites: Can It Cause Longterm Damage? | Parenting

"You love Mike more than me!"

I still remember screaming that at my mom during pretty much every single argument we had back when I was a teen. And, of course, in every argument, she would swear up and down that she loved us both the same. (Even though I'm pretty sure I drove her way more crazy with my escapades!)

Was my perception of favoritism a simple case of teenage angst? Or was there something else there, just below the surface? And did my belief that Mom liked Mike more than me actually cause long term damage that still affects me today?

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A new study suggests it could be so. Based on interviews conducted with 275 Boston area mothers in their sixties and seventies and their offspring--whose average age was 43--researchers found perceived favoritism "still matters to a child's psychological well-being, even if they have been living for years outside the parental home--and have started families of their own."

For example, those who perceived their Mom had a favorite child were more likely to suffer from depression. Ditto for those whose Mom had a lot of conflicts with a particular child.

But oddly, it's not just the unfavored child who suffers in this case. The favorite child often ends up with feelings of guilt for their unasked for elevated position in the family and has a harder time getting along with their siblings--who may resent them. Favored children are also more likely to be burdened with the responsibility of caring for elderly parents later in life--leading to additional stress.

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But hang on - before you go running off to yell at Mom for ruining your life--remember, we're talking about perceived favoritism here--not always actual. In fact, according to the study, more children believed Mom had a favorite than was actually the case.

What do you think? Did you perceive favoritism in your house? Which side were you on? Also, do you think favoritism-- either real or perceived-- causes longterm damage? Any advice on bringing harmony to the household? We want to hear from you!