You love your husband. His parents...well, you love that they don't live down the street. But they're coming for the holidays and you're dreading every minute of the visit. How do you avoid letting it ruin your holiday season? First off, be realistic with your expectations," says Carin Goldstein, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and host of the vlog: Be The Smart Wife. "If you approach the holiday with the expectations, 'Yes, my in-laws are completely unaware of how they effect people around them and they're not going to change' then their annoying comments won't have the kind of charge that you may feel with someone else who you would expect more from."
Work to control your own gut reactions, she adds, by reminding yourself this is only temporary--they're not moving in! "Also, humor can always diffuse the tension for yourself," she says. "I've often told clients to make up their own code words in their head as a way to cope with the situation. So when your mother-in-law is complaining for the tenth time that the bed she's sleeping on is harder than the asphalt outside, that would be a good time to whisper to yourself, (a la Fred Constanza from Seinfeld) 'serenity now.'"
And what about the mother-in-law who is certain you're not good enough for her son--and likes to passive aggressively remind you of it anytime she can?
"Obviously, you're dealing with a very insecure and threatened person because a mother- in- law who felt more secure with her own self and with her relationship with your husband would not feel the need to be so critical of her daughter- in- law," says Goldstein. "Here is where you will need to be 'the adult' and not allow yourself to be pulled down to her level. The saying, 'Killing them with kindness' is a perfect mantra to carry in this scenario. So just be as sweet and pleasant as you can possibly be and don't get in the sandbox with her."
Which can be hard to do, especially when your dear husband believes his parents can do no wrong and gets mad when you admit your frustration. So how do you communicate without getting into a fight?
Goldstein has an example. "Say to your husband, 'Look, I'm not trying to make your parents into villains and I'm certainly not trying to offend you in the process. However, every person is different and so is every family. I'm not used to how your family operates at times just as you may feel about my family and we should feel comfortable expressing our feelings to each other. It sounds like my reaction to your parents feels like an open attack on you and that is NOT what I'm trying to do. Can you maybe tell me what you're thinking or hearing me say when I express my frustrations re: your parents?"
The goal, she says, is to mirror your husband's reaction so he feels understood, but knows you're not out to vilify his family.
Some other tips from Goldstein to having a happy holiday season with the in-laws?
- Lower your expectations - his family isn't yours and you're not going to change them nor is it your job.
- Create your own invisible protective bubble where you make a conscious effort to not allow their inappropriate comments, energy, etc. invade your space - be conscious about creating your own boundaries.
- Don't get caught in the negativity. Holidays are the perfect time for family drama and certain family members are completely unaware of their consistent pattern to complain, criticize, and create conflict. Don't let yourself get reeled in and practice your "serenity now" mantra (or whatever word helps you focus on not getting invaded by the drama).
- Try to find the positive and good. As frustrating, negative, or annoying as your in-laws may be, chances are there may very well be certain ways to interact and connect with them that may actually be pleasant. So be open minded about this.
- Remind yourself that your time with them is fleeting - there will be a beginning, middle and end and you can thank your lucky stars that you don't live with them.
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