Any other day, this mom would have made a quick U-turn to retrieve the forgotten item. She’d done just that more than a few times. But something clicked in her head: “If I’m always rescuing my kids, they’ll just take it for granted that I’ll do it for the rest of their lives.”
So this time her response was different. “I know you’re upset,” she said, “but we’re not going back. I’m sure we can figure out something else for you to share. Let’s brainstorm some ideas.”
Her son was not thrilled, but by the time they got to school, he did have a plan—and this mother experienced an “aha” moment that would help her children learn to be more resourceful and less dependent on her.
What’s Your Current Parenting Style?
How would you have responded? Thinking about how you usually act when your child seems frustrated, seeks help, fails or isn’t doing a task up to your standards. Are you more likely to be a
Protector: “If you need anything, I’ll be sitting right here during the party.”
Rescuer: “I’ll figure it out for you, honey.”
Over-involved: “I’m calling that kid’s parent and telling her to invite you.”
Enabler: “You’re tired, sweetie. Go to sleep and I’ll finish this for you.”
Perfectionist: “I’m remaking your bed; you didn’t tuck the corners in just right.”
Or something else? The truth is, if you want to raise an independent kid who can someday thrive (and survive) without you–and oh how I hope you do!–you need to show some restraint in the “lend-a-hand” department. Data shows that the 21st century parenting style is a lot of protecting, rescuing, over-involving, micro-managing, and enabling and it’s not doing our kids any favors.
If you feel just a tad bit guilty, then make a list of reasons why you should break these habits. Or write yourself a letter and describe how it hinders your child’s independence. Reading it everyday will help keep you motivated. Then take a pledge to stop your habit, and go for it! Breaking old habits is hard work, but it’s doable. Here are tips to help you move from “Doer” to “Guider.” (Believe me, your child will thank you someday!)
A simple first step is getting your kids involved in chores!
Learning to Guide, Not Do
No parents want their children to suffer heartaches and disappointments. Our basic instinct is to try and protect our kids from frustrations and solve their problems for them. But doing so prevents them from developing the very skills they’ll need to deal with the multitude of issues they’ll face in the real world.
If you really want your child to become self-sufficient and thrive without you, your role must be of a guider, and not doer. That simple twist teaches your children that you expect them to be resourceful by solving their own problems–whatever they may be—and that you believe they are capable of doing so.
Here are some ideas to help build self-reliance and resourcefulness in your children.
Identify what your child can do alone and then back off. It may be time for your child to fix his own lunch, make her bed, do some laundry or call for a dentist’s appointment. It depends on your child’s age, maturation, and current capabilities, of course. The goal is to not overwhelm children with new expectations. Gradually introduce one new task at a time.
Stop rescuing. You may have found yourself rescuing your kids a lot lately. Kyle’s too busy. I’ll do her chores tonight. One way to change this pattern is to start with a family meeting where you agree together on a new policy about taking responsibility—whether it’s for doing chores or finishing homework—and how any lapses will be handled. That will also help teach children that their actions have consequences.
Boost organizational skills so your child won’t use you as his palm pilot. Is your child misplacing library books? Unable to find sports gear? Losing teacher notes? Instead of bailing your child out, ask: “What can you do to solve this problem?” For instance, kids might hang up a special calendar on which they mark library due dates, music lessons, field trips and tests. Even a young children can draw “picture reminders.” Learning to organize is an important skill all children need for managing their own lives–so they rely less and less on you as time goes by.
Teach brainstorming so your child can solve problems without you. The first step is to identify the problem and express confidence that your child can work it out. You might need to help kids at first understand that brainstorming means coming up with lots of different ideas, no matter how silly those ideas may sound. The next step is to identify the best ideas and figure out a plan for how to try them. With practice, children can use brainstorming to solve many issues that arise—without your help.
Teach how to negotiate. Do your kids expect you to always be the arbiter who will end their battles? Try a new tactic. Teach them how to solve problems on their own. Explain that the purpose of negotiation is to work things out so all sides are satisfied. Establish clear negotiation behavior: Take turns listening to each other without interrupting. No put-downs. Only calm voices are allowed. Then practice using this skill as a family. Another negotiation skill kids can do by themselves is to use tie-breakers such as “rock, paper, scissors,” drawing straws or following the rule that “Whoever went first last time goes last this time.” Kitchen timers can also reduce squabbles over sharing.
Talk about the future. Encourage children to think beyond the here and now, as appropriate for their age. For example, with a young child you might talk about the next day or with an older child, the coming summer. This is particularly important because, as author Mel Levine wrote in A Mind at a Time, we are experiencing an epidemic of “career unreadiness.” Levine believes there are four major qualities common in young people who make successful life transitions:
- They are self-aware.
- They are keen observers of the outside world.
- They possess certain “tools” (the ability to master skills, develop work efficiency, and think productively)... and
- They are strong communicators.
My favorite parenting quote is from Confucius: “The most beautiful sight in the world is a child going confidently down the road of life after you have shown the way.” Tape it to your mirror so you don’t forget your real goal in parenting.
$20 off the royal peek
