New research shows friends help decrease anxiety, ward away the blues and boost our children’s resilience. Here are research-based steps to help kids learn essential friendship-making skills to enhance their social competence, fit in, and be less-likely to be excluded and bullied.
The importance of childhood friends
Let’s face it, some kids just seem to make friends easily. They’re invited to all the birthday parties, attend the sleepovers, are chosen first for teams, and are sought after as everyone’s friend. If we could peek into their future, we’d see them continuing to succeed socially throughout their school years, as well as for the rest of their lives. Child psychologists find popular kids have one thing in common: they’ve learned the skills of social competence at an early age. Like most skills, the skills of friendship are refined through trial and error. So, the more opportunities kids have to try out what works with others and what doesn’t, the greater likelihood social competence will develop.
That puts a lot of kids at a disadvantage. Children who hang back and are shy, kids who haven’t had many social experiences, kids who never learned these first critical friendship-making steps, or kids who have poor social models to copy are kids handicapped from developing the skills of social competence. Not knowing how to join a group or meet new friends will haunt them the rest of their lives. As well-liked kids continue practicing their social skills, kids lacking the skills will continue to lag socially behind others. Finally, the pain of social rejection will set in and affect our children far more than we may realize.
Study: Friends help kids ward off the blues
New research from Concordia University, Florida Atlantic University and the University of Vermont puts the importance of helping our children learn friendship-making skills up a notch.
The three-year study, reported in the journal Development and Psychopathology, involved a total of 130 girls and 101 boys in the third and fifth grades. It found that peers typically reject those kids with poorer social skills or perceived as overly aggressive or immature.
Researchers also found that friends can serve as a form of protection against sadness for our kids. Put another way, your child’s pals can protect at-risk children from depression and anxiety.
Lead author, William M. Bukowski, states: "The long-term effects of being a withdrawn child are enduringly negative. Over time, we found that withdrawn kids showed increasing levels of sadness and higher levels of depressive feelings. Having one friend can be protective for withdrawn or shy kids. Our study confirms the value of having friends, which are like a shield against negative social experiences.”
Friendship-making skills are teachable
The good news is that social skills can easily be taught. Studies from UCLA and Duke University –as well as countless of other child development institutions–prove that even children with the lowest skills in social competence can be helped. And teaching those skills can do nothing but enhance children’s social confidence and expand their potential interpersonal fulfillment. These next steps show you how to teach your child any skill you think he needs to enhance help him get along with others.
Child development experts, Sherri Oden and Steven Asher, worked for years with children who had problems fitting in. They discovered their social successes dramatically improved when taught specific friendship-making skills. You can use the same steps, based on Oden and Asher’s research, to help your child learn any social skill. By teaching your child one new skill at a time and practicing it over and over until she can use it on her own, you can help your child make new friends and improve her social confidence.
Steps to teach kids friendship-making skills
Step One: Focus on one social skill your child lacks
Look over the Warnings Signs of Friendship Problems and choose one skill your child lacks. Choose the easiest one to teach!
One of my client’s knew that his daughter needed to learn friendship making skills. She was always rejected and coming home in tears saying, “Nobody liked her.” But dad didn’t know what skills to help her learn. I suggested he volunteer to go on the desk field trip with his daughter’s class and watch (from a distance) how she interacted as well as ask the teacher. He saw why his daughter was excluded..she didn’t take turns and needed to learn not to barge in as well as encourage others. The first thing he needed to help her learn was to wait and watch the group, before barging in. The blog: “How Strong Are Your Child’s Friendship-Making Skills?” may also help.
Essential Friendship Making Skills
Here are a few top friendship-making skills that researchers say are critical to our children’s social competence. ALL are teachable: Eye contact, listening to a conversation, resolving conflicts, introducing self, meeting new people, starting a conversation, joining in, handling rejection, staying calm, saying no, encouraging, asking permission, apologizing, sharing and taking turns, bouncing back, problem solving, etiquette and manners (saying thank you, please, excuse me), suggesting an activity, identifying and expressing your emotions, sticking up for yourself, expressing feelings, accepting criticism and being teased, compromising, negotiating. The list goes on but choose the one skill your child needs.
Step Two: Coach your child the new friendship skill
Next, find a private moment to model the new skill to your child. Talk about why the skill is important, and then be sure your child can show you how to do the skill correctly. It’s helpful to go with your child to a public place such as a playground or school yard, so she can observe other kids actually using the skill. Seeing the skill in action helps your child copy it, so she can try it on her own.
Remember: Kids learn skills best when you SHOW–not TELL–them what it looks like. You can point it out. Model the skill yourself. Have “teddy bear” practice with “Peter Rabbit.” Role play. Ask your child to teach another child. Video it. Put it on skype. Be creative! But don’t lecture about it.. show it! You can also help your child look for the skill on a television show or movie (”Let’s look for kids who introduce themselves to a new group.”)
Step Three: Provide opportunities to practice the skill
Just telling your child about the skill is not enough. Your child needs to try out the skill with other children. The best kids for your child to practice with are peers she doesn’t already know and those who are younger or less skilled. Keep the practice session short, and stand back at a comfortable distance! If your child is having problems in the group, offer suggestions only privately–never in front of other kids. Make sure you practice the sessions at home. Get the other family members involved!
Step Four: Review the practice session and offer feedback
Child development experts, Oden and Asher, discovered that a critical part of teaching social skills is evaluating the child’s performance with her. As soon as you can, discuss how the practice session went asking questions such as: “How did it go?, What did you say?, How do you think you did?, What would you do differently next time?” Don’t criticize what your child didn’t do, instead praise what your child did right. If your child wasn’t successful, talk through what didn’t go well, so she can try it differently the next time. As soon as your child feels comfortable with the skill, you’re ready to teach another one. Gradually your child’s social competence will grow.
Don’t give up!
Studies show that it takes a minimum of 21 days for children–and adults!–to learn a new skill. So continue helping your child rehearse the skill until she can transfer (or use) the skill in real life with peers.
If you do not see change, your child’s self-esteem plummets, or you notice a marked change in your child’s personality (she pulls back, withdraws, acts out, lacks focus, etc), then seek help! Many counselors are trained in social skill development and can offer solutions. Friendship plays an enormous part of your child’s self-esteem and success.
For more strategies to help boost children’s social competence refer to The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries and Nobody Likes Me: Everybody Hates Me – 25 Top Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.
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