Here is a recent letter I received from a parent. How would you respond?

“My son’s teacher says he bullies a classmate by saying cruel things, deliberately slamming or tripping him. He denies being mean, and says the other kid is just a “wimp” and deserves it. My husband says this is just a phase and a “boy thing.” Do I believe my husband or the teacher?”

My advice: Believe the teacher! One of the biggest mistakes parents make is assuming that bullying will just fade away. Do not make the mistake of thinking this is just “a passing phase” or a “boy's' rite of passage.” Bullying is cruelty and if allowed to continued it can become not only a habit, but an accepted view that, “It’s okay to be cruel.”

One study found that nearly 60 percent of males who were identified as chronic bullies in middle school had at least one criminal conviction by the age of 24.

The consequences of letting bullying behavior go unheeded are disastrous to your child’s character and conscience, as well as his or her reputation and social endeavors.

The good news is because bullying is a learned behavior it can also be unlearned. And no matter the age, gender, religion, or ethnicity, any child resorting to bullying needs an immediate behavior intervention. Here are ways to spot bullying behavior, so you can turn this around.

3 Steps to Turn Bullying Around

Here are the three beginning steps for educators, parents and counselors to turn this behavior around, and pronto.

Step 1. Understand What Bullying Is

Bullying is cruelty and always contains these elements:

Aggression: It is an aggressive act

Repetition: Bullying usually is repeated

Power imbalance: The bully has more power (strength, status, size) than the victim who cannot hold his own

Intention: The hurtful behavior is not an accident, but intentional. The bully usually seems to enjoy seeing the victim in distress.

No remorse: The bully rarely accepts responsibility and often says the victim “deserved” the hurtful treatment.

Step 2. Know Bullying Signs

Most every child will have an “off-day.” Most kids may even occasionally pinch, hit, or send a verbal barb to another child.

Look for repeated and intentional patterns of aggression. Bullying can be physical, verbal, emotional (or relational), sexual in nature or electronic (via text, email, IM etc).

You may not spot these when your child is with you, so ask other caregivers (teachers, coaches, babysitters, relatives) for their perspective. Try to also watch your child in different settings. And don’t be so quick to dismiss an unfavorable complaint about your child. Dig a little more. Get the facts.

Know that there is a new breed of bullying. One study shows that some of the most popular kids in schools (particularly those in the “second tier” of popularity) and even those in leadership roles display antisocial behaviors. So don’t be too quick to say: “Not my kid!”

There is no one profile to a bully so here are a few typical behaviors of bullying to watch for.

Signs of Possible Bullying (Hint: Look for a repeated pattern)

Excludes or shuns another child

Is insensitive to the feelings or needs or others; a lack of empathy

Taunts, intimidates or harasses

Spreads vicious rumors verbally and/or electronically that hurt or ruin another’s reputation

Physically aggressive (hits, punches, kicks, slams, chokes)

Positive views of violence

Threatens with force or fear; extortion

Marked need to control and dominate others

Damages another child’s property or clothing

Quick-tempered, impulsive, easily frustrated, flares off the top

Takes pleasure in seeing a child (or animal) in distress, unconcerned if someone is upset

Finds it difficult to see a situation from the other person’s point of view

Refuses to accept responsibility or denies wrong doing when evidence shows guilt

Blames the victim or says the child “deserved what he got”; good at talking way out of situations

Shows little sympathy or concern for the victim or a child who was hurt

Targets those who are weaker or younger or animals

Intolerant of “differences” whether it be sexual orientations, cultures, religious beliefs, appearances, age, gender, or abilities and often slams those differences

Step 3. Take Bullying Reports Seriously

It’s not easy to hear negative things about your child, but don’t dismiss or excuse any report that your child is bullying. Catching an aggressive behavior early is the best way to stop it. Here are ways to dig a little deeper and find out what’s really happening (and it may take a bit of detective work).

Ask the source for further details. If someone tells you your child is a bully or using aggressive behaviors, ask them to describe what that behavior looked like. You need specific details so you will know the type of behavior (such as fighting, put downs, excluding, threatening, giving racial slurs) you’re dealing with.

Make sure the behavior is bullying not teasing. Bullying can be misconstrued with teasing (and all kids tease!).

Bullying is NOT teasing. Teasing usually involves two kids who are on an “equal plane” – which means the victim or teased child can hold his or her own to the teaser. If the teased child asks the teaser to stop, the teaser usually complies. Teasing is also usually amongst friends or acquaintances. A bullied child never considers the bully to be a friend and the bullied child can never hold his or her own.

Monitor your child a bit closer. If you’ve been told your child is bullying (or suspect so), then tune in closer. Show up sooner at school events. Go to those soccer games. Pick your child up a bit earlier at those play dates. Your goal is to observe your child closer and ideally spot the actual bullying behavior (which is not always easy). The trick is to try to do so without your child watching you. But you need to see the bullying for yourself to get a better handle on what’s happening. Once you recognize this behavior is a fact, then you will need to intervene immediately.

Remember, kids often act differently in different social settings. Observe your child in a number of settings. The dynamics (who is in the group, who is leading the group, what the makeup and concept of the group are) all can be clues as to why your child may be bullying.

Get a different perspective. The bullying behavior may not happen when you’re around. Set up a conference with the teacher. Go and talk privately with the coach or scout leader. Ask the day care worker or babysitter for her opinion. Talk to those whose opinion you trust and who see your child in different social settings. Are they seeing the same bullying behaviors?

Ask your child. While most bullies deny their actions, don’t overlook discussing this with your child. Don’t ask “Why” are you doing this? Kids usually don’t respond well to “why questions” and may not know the reason. Ask instead “What” queries: “What did you want to happen?” “What did the child do to you?” “What happened right before?”

Your child may be the “lead” bully who is initiating the aggressive behavior. But we are seeing a pattern that children who are repeatedly bullied may resort to bullying themselves. No one is defending them and they have no recourse and so they bully. Also, the child may also be not the “lead” bully but the “henchman”: this child resorts to bullying to protect himself because the bully has a power hold on him or wants protection.

Meanwhile, get yourself a copy of Trudy Ludwig’s wonderful new book, Confessions of a Former Bully. It’s a great way to discuss bullying behaviors with children.

Identify the exact location and time. Bullying is a repeated behavior that usually happens in the same places (called “hot spots”). Those places typically are not adult supervised (such as the back of the school bus, the fringes of a playground, bathrooms, under stairwells, in locker rooms). If possible find out where the bullying is happening. Your first line of duty: tell your kid those spots are off-limits.

Respond ASAP if you suspect those reports have validity. Contact the teacher. Set up an appointment with the school counselor or psychologist. Or get a referral to an outside counselor or psychologist. You will need a specific plan tailored to your child to stop this behavior. Your child needs to know you will be monitoring his or her behaviors.

University of Michigan psychologist, Leonard Eron, tracked more than 800 eight-year olds over four decades and singled out the twenty-five percent who often showed bullying behavior. By age thirty, one in four had an arrest record, while only five percent of the non-aggressive children did.