A few weeks back we talked about the pros and cons of dating a single parent. It was a pretty heated debate with an overwhelming majority of responses vehemently rejecting the idea outright. The primary reason given was the dark cloud of a baby mama/baby daddy drama along with the deep fear of the rejection by the child.
Well, okay let’s say you get past that. You take the plunge and decide to embark on this relationship with the single parent. Everything is going well – no drama, the kid(s) are great with you. The time comes when you decide to marry this person. This is when knees really start to knock. Now it’s REAL. Now you’re becoming….
THE STEPPARENT.
How does one handle this? To be sure, there’s no single “right” way. As I always say, “The right way is the way that works.” I once went out with a woman who was really hung up on the prospect that she could become a stepmom if we ever got married. I got that. There’s reason to be concerned, I suppose. I attempted to assuage her saying things like, “Well, the kids already have a MOM. I wouldn’t ask you to be that – to take their mom’s place. Maybe you could think of it as being a big sister or an aunt?”
I guess my point was that if that relationship had ever reached a matrimonial ceremony, my expectations would be that she would not necessarily be a “parent” but more of a partner. My ex and I would be there to raise our kids and she would be there as basically my partner – an adult authority figure to be respected. A partner who would help enforce rules and lessons that were already in place between two households and someone who would also help me set up our own house rules. She wasn’t having that. Stepmom! Scaaaaarryy! NO WAY. And that was that.
On the other end of the spectrum, a buddy of mine was going out with a woman with kids and the same discussion arose. What’s the role of the stepparent? Her expectation of him was to help raise her children. His concern was that these kids had a dad who was very active in their lives – and he didn’t want to upset that apple cart. He didn’t want to try to be DAD #2. In his eyes, he would be creating a situation where there could very possibly be friction between him and the kids’ paternal father – thereby putting pressure on the new marriage.
I have immense respect for stepparents. I was raised by my stepfather and mother. I couldn’t be more thankful to have had him be the man who raised me. It takes an incredible person to step in and fill the void left by a missing parent. And he did that. But I think that my situation was a bit easier. I had a biological dad who wasn’t able or available to be a parent. My stepdad stepped up with zero conflict or drama. But I wonder if that transition would have gone as smoothly if bio-dad was more active in my life? Maybe – maybe not. But I submit that it’s a lot easier to step in as the “step” when the non-custodial parent is also an absentee parent.
What’s the real expectation here? If you’re marrying someone with children, what do you expect from yourself and how does it jibe with what’s expected of you by your new spouse? What about the kids? Do you draw boundaries between how much you parent? What happens when there’s a decision made with which you disagree but you know that you can always be trumped with a, “but they’re MY kids!”
Personally, I think it’s best not to have huge parenting expectations. Not to force or manufacture those relationships. It’s a difficult thing to do for many, but allowing those stepparent/child relationships evolve organically is likely the best way to go. Alleviate the pressure on the new spouse AND the kids by letting the bonds build or NOT build in whatever way they grow. I mean, to go from “mom’s friend” to “dad” is a huge leap. It’s a tricky, sticky position and situation. It’s nothing like the Brady Bunch, I can tell you that!
So share with me.. what do you expect?
More from GalTime.com:
- Disciplining Other People's Kids: Yes or No?
- Skip the Stress: 5 Worries Every Parent Can Forget About
- Are Second Marriages Less Important?
- Are Your Kids Spoiled? Take the Test
Hailing from the San Francisco Bay Area, veteran media professional and author of "Your Straight Male Friend..Every Woman Should Have One", Marcus Osborne has honed his talent and keen ability to convey to women, the inner workings of the male mind via regular forays into the "friendzone."Check out more from Marcus at StraightMaleFriend.com Twitter: @SMFMarcus
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