Comments for Better Ways to Talk to Your Teen/Tween at http://www.galtime.com , comment 1 to 62 out of 20 comments http://www.galtime.com Fri, 10 Sep 2010 11:05:49 +0100 FeedCreator 1.7.3 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5485 Kids, if you're not getting the attention you need from home, remember that there are people at your school who really do care and want to help. Get involved at school - this will keep you out of the house, add value to your school, and bring more attention your way. "Kids", if you're 24 and living at home and don't like it, move out! Parents, if you have a 24 year old free loading at home, you don't have to allow the girlfriend to move in. It is your home and should be your rules. - SMJ Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:54:14 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5481 For anyone who is interested, my husband wrote a book on parenting called "But What About the Children?". While we are FAR from perfect parents, this book came about from my husband's own personal study of the Bible and all the scriptures having to do with parenting or families. He did this to better himself as a parent, and some who heard about it suggested he write a book so that others could benefit as well. He is still in the red as far as his printing expenses, but really only cares to pass along anything that can help. Anyone interested in a copy can go to www.overlookedbooks.com or for a discounted copy email me at kkboger@comcast.net. - kb4jc Thu, 08 Jul 2010 14:52:03 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5479 I think that the Ice cream idea is suppost to be more atune to go out and do something with your kids. Spend the day with them or go do something fun it dosent have to be shopping or eating. It can be anaything that puts you and your child in a comfterable place. I myself am not a parent but I do love kids, and for the most part its pretty easy to get thsm to talk. You got to find some common groud even if you don't really care for it or dont understand it. For instance my little bro was way into magic cards, kinna nerdy and reserved. My dad didnt know what to do he was loosing a bond with his son I told thim to go and buy some learn the game and they could play togethr. And yah its annoying if your not into it but sometimes its about the bigger picture - aj Thu, 08 Jul 2010 12:47:32 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5469 Haha! I'm a 34 year old woman with a 16 year old daughter and I don't even like to be asked "How was your day?" It's just a redundant question that's annoying like all the other questions people ask others and don't care about the answers. It's like people ask questions just to hear their own voice. I don't want to waste my time answering when you don't even listen to or care about the answer. - Mariesagrouchybaby Thu, 08 Jul 2010 10:24:42 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5465 RULE #7 is a horrible rule. "wanna get some ice cream". it makes us feel like you believe ice cream will solve all our problems like when we were 5. like you dont even take our pain seriously or you weren't listening. Instead, why dont you come from a different aproach, such as music. Music plays a huge part in many teens lives these days.Something Like "Why don't we listen to some music and talk it over?" Let her choice the first two songs then you ask to pick one. pick one more up beat but dont make it obious. try "One Step at a Time" by Jordin Sparks, or "Misery Bussiness" by Paramore.;) (THIS WILL WORK WITH GIRLS BUT FOR GUYS THE ICE CREAM SHOULD WORK) - Veronica Contreras Thu, 08 Jul 2010 10:02:33 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5462 I found all the comments interesting. As a senior I'm still trying to learn. Teens and tweens - go easy on your parents. Kids don't come with instructions and all individuals are different. I came from a disfuntional family with no communication,excpt for the main tyrant, who the neighbors referred to as Simon Legree. Disapline, was being held two feet off the floor by the shirt collar, slambed against the wall until we understood, "If you don't like the way things are here, you are free to leave and don't come back." I could never invite any friends over, ever. I had a very rough time in school. It took me three marriages before I could agree to have children. Now I have two adult disfuntional kids. I can relate to Althea's frustation. My 30 year old son was fired from his restaurant job for throwing knives at other staff and hasn't worked for two years. He lives with his mother, not me. Daughter suffers from low self esteem, attended many drug/alcohol, DUI courses, and recently had her third illegitament child. Now, in my fourth marriage, without stress, I can continue to search for the answers to pass along to my grandchildren. They deserve the best. - Senior Thu, 08 Jul 2010 09:38:06 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5458 I have a 20 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. To say they are different is a huge understatement. 1st of all I was alot younger when my son was in his teens, hence I admit I had more patience than I do now. My advice to good communication is to be clear about what is acceptable and what is not and WHY. I hated the old "because I said so" response and I try not to use it. From the time my kids were able to understand right and wrong I've told them #1 Do not lie to me. I can't help you if you do. I may be upset or disappointed by what you tell me however I'll always have your back even if that means allowing you to take your lumps. #2. I'm your Mom, NOT your friend, please don't treat me like one of your buddies and I'll try to return that respect. #3 And Most important in developing great communication is letting kids know you're not perfect, your a parent which means you're human. Apologize when you mess up, whether that is by miscommunication or your actions. This last piece of advice is best utilized when a little time is given for feelings to level out and only if you state what you think you did wrong and why you're sorry AND MEAN IT. These things have enabled our communication to always be sincere regardless of how a question is phrased. If I'm distracted or my kids don't want to talk about something, we simply state so honestly and also say something like "please give me some time so I can give you my full attention" It usually works without hurt feelings. Please, please, please don't attemp a serious discussion via text or e-mail. This has led to enough miscommunication and hurt feelings (I'll admit I'm the one who is hurt or misunderstanding the message, I'm just not as text savvy as kids all seem to be) that we communicate live, in person or by speaking to each other on the phone when conversation goes from light hearted to serious information. I know many say I'm this age and expect to be treated as an adult because of it and I know many parents and kids agree with that. However, I don't and never will. Age is a number not automatic maturity and truth be told, I'll always by their Mom. They have to accept some quirks that exist simply because they are important to Mom and age will never be a cut off for my quirks to slip quietly into the night. If I ask my kids "Who are you texting" I expect them to answer truthfully and I don't care if it's my 20 year old or my 11 year old. I don't ask what are you texting about just who are you texting? They are my kids and I'm not being nosy (most of the time) I'm simply exercising my parental right to know what my kids are up to. It's nothing different than checking their computer use or meeting their friends. If this question bothers them so much then they shouldn't text in front of me. I feel strongly that cell phone use while with others is a total lack of manners and as rude as ignoring the person/people who you are dining with. My kids tell me they appreciate the way we communicate and that is one of my greatest achievements!! [b][/b] - Diamond Girl Thu, 08 Jul 2010 08:38:50 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5455 i agree that #7 is a bad idea when it comes to the ice cream just in the fact that it shouldnt always be ice cream or food in general because thats teaching kids that the good feeling we get from food will hide the hurt feelings we have! and that is wat starts the bad obseesions with food which doesnt imply the person will be obese by any means so if ur taking it that ways its bacause u making an assumption that u have to be obesity to have food issues which is completely not true!!!! but really you could be teaching your child that instead of working out an issue and dealing with it fully they should just turn to food because that feeling that they cant deal with the hurt and the idea they wont live through the pain,is reenforced and food will just numb that hurt. so im not saying its bad to say hey lets get some ice cream, im saying y ur eating that ice cream talk it through make sure they know that u cant hide from ur feeling because, they dont just go away all we do is numb them especially if we dont deal with them and that can be done through food, drugs, sex pretty much anything. if ur ever curious read the book woman, food and God i didnt realize how critical my relationship with food was till i read this book and it honestly has made a hug impact on my life especially when it comes to be a girl and feeling not good enough in this world of size zero's and crazy beauty standards. - fabheather Thu, 08 Jul 2010 06:41:18 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5454 I was reading the comment that Nesbit wrote, yes, do not have a shocked look on your face. Just keep going with the conversation. My 12 year old daughter told me some things, that I would rather not have known she knew about at her age, but then, I thought back to what I knew at her age, so I understood it all. You have to let them know that you do understand what they are going through. Give them examples. I talked to my daughter about sex after she started asking questions. I told her all about it, everything that goes along with it, the pain, the diseases, everything. We have to be honest with the kids, so they can learn from what we say, not going on out and doing whatever whenever. If parents had a better handle on their kids, that would help as well. I am not the best mother, I know that, but I do my best for my kids. That is what is important. Keep talking with them, however you do it, no professional can step in and say this is the way you must talk to them. Each child is different, and have different feelings and thoughts about everything. What works for one will not work for all. Keep in mind that it is the kids that we need to worry about here, our kids. Keep them safe by all means necessary. It is our job and our right to do the best we can for them. - jamiejune78 Thu, 08 Jul 2010 06:35:13 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5453 This is hilarious! I can ask any of my 4 kids whatever I want, and the worst answer I get is "I don't know". That is it. My kids know they can tell me anything, I mean anything, without being judged. Honesty is the best policy. When I ask my 10 year old boy why he aggravates his 8 year old sister, he simply said, "Because I was bored and it was fun". See, he was bored, and he had fun. No biggie. He was honest, so he doesn't get into as much trouble for doing it. There is still discipline, oh yes, we discipline, not abuse, but we discipline. If not, how can we expect our kids to turn out to be anything other than a thug or street trash. I want the best for my kids. I push them to their limits, each individually. Cannot expect them all to be the same in school or sports, or anything. THat would be boring. My kids trust me, as a mom, not as a BFF as they say. I never had a relationship like this with my mom. Me and mom were different. I knew what I could and couldn't say around her. Times were differnt then. You just adjust to the changing of times. If I don't ask my kids about their day, and show that I really want to know, who else is gonna show them that someone cares? It starts in the home people. Not anywhere else. And, My kids all know that I will not judge them for what they say, no matter what it is. They still get into trouble, either way, and they know it will be less if they tell the truth about it all. They can tell me what's going on with their friends, their school, everything. I talk with them as a mom, not as a friend, but show them that I care. It's not what you say, it is how you say it. That's what they care about. - jamiejune78 Thu, 08 Jul 2010 06:26:56 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5452 wow im 12 yrs. old and read this and i wish my parents would just care about me a little more sometimes. most kids wish their parents wouldnt get mad when they got bad grades but i wish mine did i wish they would care enough to get mad and care enough to be happy when i get straight a's. but their just so use to me being perfect they dont care to ask. they never ask me anything about my friends or my boyfriends or anything. plus they like alwaays just make me sit around the house and do nothing and never let me hang out with my friends - sahara barnes Thu, 08 Jul 2010 06:26:13 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5451 first off to kenneth baker- I can actually talk to my dad about things more then i can my mom because he always lets me know that he's there for me if i nees him, but he doesn't pressure me with a bunch a questions like my mother does. In fact most of the time instead of asking me anything he will tell me story about him growing up and then i can start talking to him because i feel that because of some of the stuff he's been through that he can understand how im feeling and can offer some advice. Anyways, as a 17 year old girl i would have to say that things would be probably be better between me nd my mother if she would watch what she was saying. I absolutly hate it when its extreamly obvious that i had a bad day and im trying to go up stairs to my room for a while so i can calm down and not yell at anyone and my mom imdiatly starts asking How was your day? What'swrong?" and when i sat nothing or i don't wan't to talk about it right now she'll say "Well, if you don't tell me whats wrong i can't fix it." HELLO! im 17 i don't want you to fix my problems im not a little kid anymore, advice i could use but i don't want you to fix my prblems i can handle it. Another thing that bothers me is if i get a bad grade (which for my parents is a 90, for me anyways, that rule didn't apply to my 5 brothers and sisters.) Don't start asking me "what where you doing in class, sleeping? Why did you get such a bad grade? You could of done better then that..Your suppose to be the smart one!" I hate it when people yell at me when its something about my grades in school, exspecialy when im still passing, if you yell at me it's not gonna make me do better! Try helping indtead. On #5: “What did you hope would happen? What will you do next time?” If you not care on how you ask the question , such as saying it while you sound upset or disappointed in them, because then if will probably get the same result as asking "Why did you do it?" - Mary C Thu, 08 Jul 2010 06:25:46 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5450 the comment about not to ask who are you txting, i agree if ur over the age of 18 dont ask cuz guess wat when im home the seldomly times i get to be home sense i go to college on the other side of the states from where my parents live i want to spend time with you not talk about who just randomly txted me to aska question or w e, just dont ask honestly sometimes i lie so my mother wont ask more questions cuz lets be honest im not 12 and its easier saying it one of my high school friends than sometimes to explain in detail who this person is because u dont know them! - fabheather Thu, 08 Jul 2010 06:18:59 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5447 What a load of crap! Tweens/teens: Be thankful you have parents that talk to you at all! I grew up in a house, not a home, where conversation was not a participation sport. As a child, your job was to listen and do as you were told. If you didn't, you were disciplined. That's the problem today. We have become so obsessed about not hurting their little self-esteem and being a friend to our kids, instead af a parental /authority, that they are aging without growing up. Parents- start being parents. Children- be kids. We have enough adults. Enjoy your youth, while respecting those in authority over you. Life is only as hard as we allow it to be. Ask my kids. They have almoost all become well adjusted, happy adults, contributing to society. - Randy Thu, 08 Jul 2010 05:52:51 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5443 This is mainly for Althea Brannon - I read your comments and was horrified, honestly. I really do feel for you, as I believe you've made a sincere effort to have a good relationship with your son. You do seem to realize how you went off the rails, but don't seem to realize how you can get back on. Althea, you're going to need to brace yourself to let your son hate you for awhile, and that's what's been needed all along. Your son is angry and you fear him, yet you continue to coddle him, even though you can see that hasn't helped all these years. My opinion, though you didn't ask for it: You and your husband need to sit down with him calmly. Tell him that you and your husband cannot afford to support everyone any longer. He needs to prepare to be an adult and on his own now. Let him know that you don't just want to kick him out, but tell him that within 3 months, he needs to be finding his own place to live. That will give him time to get up and find a job. Don't argue, don't yell. When he starts to lose his temper, calmly say, "Getting angry doesn't create more money, and it doesn't change the fact that you're a grownup now and should be living your own life. Your dad (or stepdad, whatever) and I have been robbing you of the sense of accomplishment you should be experiencing by now, by making your own way in life, and we have to stop, for your sake." And then, stand behind it. Don't nag at him. If he doesn't seem to be making progress (finding a job, searching for a place), remind him after a month. Remind him again that he has only one month left. After that, a week before the deadline, warn him that he must move out, and if he gets angry tell him that you will not be the one to tell him next - that you will change the locks, and if he tries to enter the house without your permission again, you will call the cops. And then DO it. You need to be the grownup now, since he refuses. The only way this boy is going to grow up and find some respect for you is if you keep your promise and kick him out. Believe that. - Foxglove Kent Thu, 08 Jul 2010 05:30:05 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5441 The question I hate THE MOST is: What's wrong with you? People, cut your kids some slack. Yes, you may have a job but there is enormous pressure on us in highschool and yes, we do get moody and that kind of thing especially if things aren't working out. So if you're day has been a bowl of sunshine, don't get confused or angry just because your teen son/daughter is having issues in their life. They may have had bullying or grade or whatever issues in elementary school, but they're not in elementary anymore. It may surprise you that he/she is so upset, but the last thing we want to hear is that there must be something wrong with us when it seems like there's something wrong with the world. We need somebody to stand by us when it does seem like everything's gone wrong and just standing there gawking, thinking how inconvenient it is is not going to help. If you care that much about your children, give them someone to lean on because that's what we need. Be our hero again, even if that doesn't still mean piggy-back rides or surprise ice cream shop visits after school. - Geekalicious Thu, 08 Jul 2010 05:25:50 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5439 It's sad to see that everyday conversations that you would have with anyone would upset a teen/preteen. The most important job I think a parent has is to love and protect their child.(which really is not even a 'job') To love your child also includes guiding them in the right direction, but letting them have an opinion. Form a bond with them from day 1, but do not smother them. Never forget that they are their own human being just trying to make it. In my opinion, if you have a good relationship with your child where you can have open communication without judgement , they might not get so upset and turned off with these questions. If so, at least the good communication skills that you taught them would open up a conversation where they could say "hey, mom/dad, I really hate it when you ask that question." ?? just my opinion mother of one - Christieafisher Thu, 08 Jul 2010 05:09:17 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5438 I really appreciate all of the advice! I am a single mom and really want to have a close relationship with my children. My oldest is 9 and already acts like I did at 13! After reading this, I realized that I am the problem! Not her! I have been so absorbed with my own busy, adult life that I think of her "stresses" as less important. As parents we need to remember that when our kids have problems that seem trivial to us, they are HUGE to them. We have to think back to how we felt at that age. Before taxes, mortgages, and employers became such monster size issues! We have to put ourselves in their shoes and show compassion for what they are learning. Just because we can say "Oh yeah, I did that at your age too, you'll get over it and in 10 years, you will look back and laugh at it" Kids don't want to hear that! They want to hear "Oh baby, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Lets talk about it and try to figure something out" - cheleh82 Thu, 08 Jul 2010 05:05:52 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5437 [b][/b]My 24 year old son sent this to me to read. I wish I had seen something like this years ago, but now , athogh I would love to have a better realtionship with him as he and his sister are the most important things in my life, I'm afraid to talk to him because if I ask anything deeper than questions that shouldn't be asked "according the 7 deadlist questions" all he says is for me to "shut up", "I don't listen" (which is not true) and other direpsectful answers. I'm actually afraid to talk to him because his anger is bigger than it should be. I was ill when he was growing up (which he doesn't believe) and feel I did the best that I could. He tested us and got into trouble all the tiem for years and we constantly got him out of trouble and supported him financially when we shouldn't have simply because our parents didn't and we wanted him to have everything. BIG MISTAKE! We should have let him solve his own problems. He still lives with us and we don't mind, but he contributes ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING towards household expenses even though we are now on a fixed income and to top it off his girlfriend lives here most of the time and we can no longer afford it. I don't talk to him much because I do have a problem communicating with others. My husband and I get along much better because thru therapy we've learned to listen to each other. MY son refuses to go to therapy with us which would help greatly as our family situation due to the past mistakes on all of our parts, we need professional intervetion to get past the PAST on everyone in our family's issues. My daughter has said she would go with all of us, but until we go as a family at this point I'm afraid of my son's temper, although I do love him very much until he starts talking like an adult (and I'm trying believe me)I walk around him with egg shells afraid he'll burst into a temper. He blames me for everything past and present and at the age of 24 he needs to look back on the good things he had growing up and not just the negative. He's not a child anymore and needs to also try on his part to learn how we can all communicate better and if it means a couple visits to our therapist you would think he would at least try. Communcation was good until he was about 15 and its been downhill since then. I'm 53 now and I did use alot of the suggestions until I went absolutely beserk when he starting doing drugs and couldn't keep a job, and always seemed unhappy. I hope when he has kids he remembers to email this articlue to himself. He's a good person with everyone except me (MOM) and I do not know what to do about it if he won't try so I'm at the point of just giving up and not caring to interefere with his life. If he ever wants to appreciate anything fully in his life he needs to contribute to our household instead of living here on a free ride and take some responsiblity or move out to appreciate life fully. I was not that bad a parent, although he seems to think so, but based on our relationship now, its superficial because that's the only way his temper doesn';t get in the way and I'm sorry about that but I don't know how to communicate with him anymore without professional help and willingness on his part. - Althea Brannon Thu, 08 Jul 2010 04:55:32 +0100 http://www.galtime.com/index.php/home/1204-bettertalk#comment-5434 I'm 24 now, and way passed the age where little questions like these bother me. However, I do remember the painful tween/teen years. I didn't fit in, I ended up wearing all black t-shirts and baggy jeans [I'm a straight girl..], and my mom always disapproved. Whenever I was younger, I would ask for something, and when she said no, I would argue "But so-and-so's mom let them go to the movie!" and she would say "I'm not so-and-so's mom." But then in the teenage years, she would ask me things like "Why can't you dress normal like so-and-so?" And you know what I would say? "I'm not so-and-so." And it always made me feel like she wished I was someone else, and I certainly wished I was someone else's daughter. She would nod at me while I was trying to tell her something important, and then when I was done talking, she would remind me about a chore I had forgotten, or something like it. We still do not have a good relationship at all, and to this day I truly feel like it's because she never tried. So, to all the parents on here who are truly trying to communicate with your kids, good luck. You're already a step in the right direction. - BritKS Thu, 08 Jul 2010 04:35:12 +0100