I Am Fat (and loved anyway)

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Weight loss and self-love and acceptance seem to go hand in hand. But it’s time to stop the cycle, look at those “before” photos and love every inch of your body.

I am fat. No matter what else I do, if I am fat, I am a failure. I am disgusting — I have no self-control. Screw it, I’m okay being fat. No, I’m not. Why am I so fat? How did this happen? I suck. I am a loser.


Weighty matters

Off and on for the past 45 years, these are things I would say to myself. I would step on the scale multiple times a day and determine my self-worth depending on what number I saw. And over the past 20 years, that number would change — drastically.

140..128…155…168 (my all time high)…138…160..189 (my new all-time high).

It didn’t matter how engaged I was as a mother, devoted as a wife or successful in my career, stepping my two feet on that metal and plastic platform was the only way I could really know if I mattered.

Jackie in jeansI dropped 30 pounds on Weight Watchers (2006) before Oprah ever got her hands on it. I got into kick-ass shape for an infomercial (2009) and took pics of my butt in my way-too-expensive goal-weight-reward jeans. But I would always end up back where I started — plus some.
Then last March, I found the answer to my prayers — or so I thought. After having a double mastectomy and breast reconstruction using implants back in 2006, I was finally going to have them removed and use the fat from my own body (specifically my stretched out, post-baby stomach). Not only would I finally get those foreign objects out of my body, it would leave me with flat, tummy-tucked abs. Win/win! I was finally going to have abs — the perfect way to kick start my new hot body!

After surgery (and a subsequent 9-1-1 ambulance ride to the hospital for an infection/sepsis), I was on my way back down the scale and had new, natural breasts and fabulous new abs to get me started. But instead of riding the momentum, recovery, lack of exercise and not watching what I ate sent me in the other direction. By December 31, I was up 20 pounds — 20.

So what did I do? I made a New Year’s resolution (like millions of others) to drop the weight once and for all. 90 days later, my weight had definitely changed… I had gained another five pounds.

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