5 Steps to ‘Slow SEX’

Steps to ‘Slow SEX’

It may be the secret to experiencing phenomenal sex… and the key to having an even better emotional connection with your partner. “Slow Sex,” an offshoot of the slow food movement, seems to go against the grain of our cultural bias. We tend to place a premium on doing everything faster.

Yet going “slow” can be very satisfying– especially for women.

Women take an average of ten to twenty minutes to become aroused enough to climax, depending on the method and the individual woman, according to Dr. Debbie Herbenick, PhD. This can be a problem when you’ve been with the same person for more than just a while. The hormones that made a “quickie” hot when you started dating disappear over time, leaving many women unfulfilled.

Because we tend to view sex as a performance based activity, it creates a lot of pressure to “perform according to the norm.” This has two outcomes: it makes men worry that they’ll finish too soon, and it makes women insecure about taking too long. I believe there’s a different approach to sex that not only takes the pressure off of everyone and dramatically increases everybody’s pleasure, but actually has the potential to change the way we live our lives outside the bedroom as well.

I suggest an approach to sex that makes a deeper intimate connection, rather than orgasm, the main point of a sexual encounter. This approach is rooted in Tantric philosophy, where the focus is on finding the Divine in everything, including sex. At the very least, using these tips will give you a chance to get better acquainted with how your body responds to sensual stimuli and will increase your emotional connection with your partner.


1. Start by putting aside 10 minutes to gaze into each other’s eyes. This isn’t a staring contest; the goal is to bring you closer. Sit comfortably facing each other and gaze into your partner’s non-dominant eye. Most of us a right handed, so you’d gaze into his left eye. It’s ok to blink, and you can even try a smile. Don’t be surprised if this is a little challenging at first; we’re not used to gazing deeply into another’s eyes.

2. Breathe together. As you get more comfortable gazing into each other’s eyes, add your breath. Just let your own breath come naturally, in and out through your nose if you can. Your partner will adjust his breath to match yours. You can place your hand on his heart, and he can have his hand on your heart, if you’re having trouble synchronizing your breath.

3. Have some cuddle time. Dedicate at least thirty minutes to snuggling and cuddling with your clothes on. You can kiss, but don’t go past “second base.” Don’t be discouraged if you don’t make it the full thirty minutes! If your partner gets impatient, lighten things up with humor.

4. Next, bring out the massage oil and take turns giving each other a back rub. Use long, slow strokes with moderate pressure and don’t go below the waist. After at least five minutes, you can rub your chest along his back.

5. Learn How to OM: Last, but not least, consider learning how to “OM.” Author Nicole Daedone teaches the practice of OM, or orgasmic meditation. In Daedone’s new book, Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm she explains the practice– which combines the tradition of extended orgasm with Zen Buddhism, mystical Judaism and semantics.

According to Daedone, “OM is a practice of being fully present in the moment. Its a practice that strips away the thoughts of what should be, and engages you in what actually is. By putting your full attention on the point of contact between the two of you, everything else drops away except the sensation in the connection.

Truth is the greatest turn on; the truth of sensation and desire. There is no room here for judgements or resentments, there is just the two of you remembering you are intimately connected.”

Each of these tips can stand alone. You may breathe together, then skip the cuddle time. Or you may decide to stop after cuddling. You might decide to incorporate breathing together into your daily routine. Remember, the idea is to increase intimacy, and intimacy has two sides: erotic and emotional.

Both are important to long term happiness in a relationship. Just remember to take it slow.

What do you think of the “slow sex” movement? Share your thoughts in the comments!

One Comment on “5 Steps to ‘Slow SEX’”

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