We Had Sex, Then Everything Changed!

We Had Sex too soon

What is he thinking, was it too soon?

So now you’ve done it. Finally. After weeks/months/days of anticipation, you and your new suitor have “gone all the way.” And now everything is different.

This scenario is a common one. Every time we (for lack of a better phrase) break in someone new, things change. A couple of days ago, a StraightMaleFriend.com e-mailer presented the following situation:“Marcus, I’ve been going out with this guy for a while…we were intimate for the first time recently and now, just days later, things seem different. What’s going on?- Anonymous in Seattle”

Well, Anonymous, since you didn’t offer much detail or context, it’s difficult to offer a specific opinion on your situation. But what I can tell you is…of course things are different! You’ve seen each other naked! You’ve had sex! That changes things for at least one of you – which means it changes everything for you both.

This topic comes up all the time and I’m still surprised that people are surprised. What is he thinking? He’s acting differently. What does he think of me? Was it too soon? Was it good? Was he creeped out by my tattoo?  Only if the tattoo says, “Daddy’s Little Girl.”

That would be weird.

Newsflash…guys are just happy to be there.

Just happy to be there. Which is probably where the whole “men are dogs” thing is at its truest. It’s not that guys don’t want a deep emotional connection with their partner. They certainly do. But if a guy can’t or doesn’t want that, he’ll happily settle for the generic partner and feel zero shame about it.

I can hear the shouts of “double standard!” And if that’s your opinion, I’d agree with you. And I’d agree with you that it’s wrong.

One of the most frequently asked questions I get is, “Marcus, how will I know if a guy is really interested in me and not just sex with me?” My controversial answer is always, “You won’t know with any certitude….until after you’ve had sex with him.”

Heads are exploding everywhere, I know. Take a deep breath. Let me explain my position (no pun intended.)

There’s one thing I know for sure. If a guy just wants to have sex with you, he’s going to say and do whatever it takes to make that conquest. I laugh at all the so-called “rules” passed around from person to person year after year.

Wait for 30 days. Wait for 90 days. Wait ‘til marriage. All perfectly fine and reasonable parameters for a lady to find her comfort zone with a guy. Heck any amount of waiting is absolutely recommended if that’s what it takes for a lady to reach the point where she’s ready to “get her freak on.” But the one thing that every guy knows – and usually won’t admit to publically – is that the “waiting game” is virtually worthless as a determinant of substantive, emotional interest in a lady.

BUT…guys also know that this “waiting” thing is meaningful to women. So he’ll say all the right things, “Hey, I completely respect your decision to wait. We can just watch TV tonight.”

So now that lady is thinking, “Wow, he’s really serious. He’s going to wait. What a great guy.”

End of the night comes, the woman leaves, and the guy is immediately on the phone with some chick who…uhhhh…is more open to not waiting.

My point is that I think a woman’s decision to be with some guy should be based completely on her level of comfort with not only the act itself, but the consequences of the act. It should NOT be based on some idea that “if he waits it means he’s serious” or that there’s some direct relation between a guy’s willingness to wait for you and his level of actual, long-term intention.

You could be setting yourself up for a serious fall.

The decision to move forward with an intimate relationship is a serious one, so make that choice with your own needs in mind. Make that choice knowing that waiting or NOT waiting doesn’t guarantee a relationship (if that’s what you want) in any way.

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